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Red sky in mourning, sailors take warning

October 2, 2016 15 comments

redskyin-mourning

Today I am on my sailboat needing some time alone. At sunrise the horizon shone with red hues reminding me of an old mariners phrase. A reddish sky around sunrise means a lot of water vapour already present in the atmosphere and rainy weather is thus expected. This explains why sailors repeat, “Red sky in morning, sailors take warning. Red sky at night, sailors delight”.

Well today I changed it to “red sky in mourning” for that is what I am doing. Mourning the absence of my beloved Brenda and being sensitive to my own grief journey. Today, I had set aside in order to complete the edits on Brenda’s book “But If Not: 588 Days of Living with Cancer”. I knew that re-reading her journal of life and death would bring tears again, and it did.

It was actually both a time of tears and smiles. I read her words and was reminded of her attitude of gratitude amidst her pain. I read of the moments that brought her great joy while facing death and while they made me smile it served as a bit of a warning to me – or better stated, a reminder.

The reminder is found in this quote from page 246:

So may this journal of life and death inspire you to not waste a second of your life on things that are not going to last forever. Trust in God for eternity, and leave a legacy through your investment in others that will change the world through God’s love and mercy. In life we will experience disappointments, but it need not lead to discouragement. Trust Him.

Trust -is my focus word for this year. But these words also emphasized that we should not to put our time and resources into those things that are not going to last forever. That is important for all to heed.

What lasts forever? Only two things last forever and that is relationships with those we love and God’s Word. The other things we often allow to squeeze these priorities out of our lives will ultimately be burned up. I want to devote the balance of my years to investing in relationships, starting with those in my own family, while relying on the words of the Bible that are the only words that breathe life into us.

My friend Chuck Swindoll said it so well..

The wonderful thing about relying on God’s Book is that it gives you stability. It gives you that deep sense of purpose and meaning. No other counsel will get you through the long haul. No other truth will help you stand firm in the storms of doubt and uncertainty. No other reality will give you strength for each day and deep hope for tomorrow. No other instruction has the power to give new meaning to your life.

I have many moments since Brenda’s passing where I have been seeking new meaning to my life. I am finding it through being faithful in reading scripture daily. Brenda interestingly left me a list of those things she wanted me to continue doing after her death.

Brenda’s List

  1. Continue to lead our family and grandchildren.
  2. Take care of yourself: your health, your friends and remember to take holidays for restoration
  3. Continue to proclaim the gospel of grace through speaking, writing and encouraging leaders.
  4. Travel strategically for ministry and pursue your passion for China and Africa.
  5. Enjoy the business of executive mentoring.

Notice how they focus on things that are eternal? They are all relational and fuelled by the gospel or good news of God.

Only two things last forever—and I’m committed to both. How about you?

PS. Brenda’s book BUT IF NOT will be available soon and I will make it know once printing is completed.

brenda-but-if-not-cover

 

Categories: Observations

Those Last Days by Kirstie Pue

August 25, 2015 11 comments
Mom and I a month after her diagnosis.

Mom and I one month after her diagnosis.

I had the incredible honor of caring for Mom in the last week of her life. As a nurse, it was the only thing I had to offer to her as a gift, to fulfill her wish to die at home, and it was the greatest privilege of my life. Yet, even now, it seems so small in comparison to all of the gifts she gave me in the five years I’ve been a part of her family.

That last week was hard for everyone. Realizing how quickly everything had changed was a huge shock, but we were yet again blessed with extra time with Mom. Her strength still astounds us all. In those last days we all had individual time with her – time I think we will all hold onto dearly because of the real moments of connection with her. Moments we never thought we would have again when we first gathered as a family around her bed. But Mom continued to amaze us by opening her eyes, smiling and even speaking small sentences to us. The five days passed both too quickly and so slowly at the same time. Those days all blend together now.

The most amazing thing I witnessed during that last week however, was the love between Carson and Brenda. Their tenderness toward one another was beautiful. How Dad would do anything for her, assisting me in caring for her in a way that no one else could. Helping me change and wash her; lifting her gently to reposition her on the bed; putting her favourite lip chap on so her lips wouldn’t dry out (even though he went too far down her lips, making mom wave him off). The way he whispered in her ear in her final moments, selflessly encouraging her to go meet her Lord, was both amazing and heartbreaking. I can only begin to imagine how hard that must have been, to let go of your life’s great love. It was so beautiful, the way he served her until her final breath.

Even in those last days, Mom served Dad too, giving him gifts better than presents. Gifts like opening her eyes when we didn’t think she would again. Doing things for him that was better than an “Oh Wow”, which she gave to others when she woke up and recognized them, but not to him. The gifts she gave him were things that seemed so simple, like pulling Dad in by his shirt so he was closer to her. The way she would spend so much of her precious energy just to reach up and touch his cheek. How she would turn her head to lean in and kiss him, and then how Mom spent an entire days worth of her energy moving over to Dad’s side of the bed because, after 39 years, her side just wasn’t close enough to him anymore. She loved him so deeply.

Mom served Dad by giving him the moments of confidence that allowed him to let go. Being able to witness those intimate moments meant everything to me. It was just another gift that Mom gave me, sharing the glimpses of their love with me, showing how even in the final moments, love is more than enough. I learned so much about marriage in those days, that it is about carrying each other to the finish, even if just one of you crosses the line. Theirs was, theirs is, a great love.

Love is what mom emanated. It’s been more evident to me than ever since she passed. She shone in every room she entered, and she brought people into that light by loving each person. The fact that people who, to most of us, may seem insignificant in the grand scheme of our lives, cried when they heard of her passing, speaks to how Mom touched their lives. It demonstrates how important people were to her and how much love was a part of her life. I learned so much about Godly love from Mom, I learned that love cannot be confined to just a marriage or a friendship, but to it is meant to be given equally to every relationship that we enter. She has inspired and challenged me to love differently.

Mom in the Neighbourhood by Kristin Pue

August 18, 2015 9 comments

11150720_10152647169076572_7645671183546204186_nSince Mom “slipped into heaven” the days have felt so long…and the roller coaster of emotions, so overwhelming. Mom had prepared so well. She took time to plan the details of her Celebration of Life and Hope Service. There were details for the family, gifts for people she loved. She left us lists, all sorts of lists, and every day as I look through them, they make me smile.

One of the first things we noticed was her “communication plan”. On this plan she had written who she wanted us to let know of her passing and memorial details. So Kirstie and I printed some pictures of Mom with her Celebration of Life details and headed out one afternoon to fulfill her wish. As well as the neighbours around Mom and Dad’s house, the list started with Porters, her favourite coffee shop. Then the dry-cleaners she went to and the Subway next door owned by a high school classmate of Jeremy’s. It seemed a bit strange doing this, but soon became very clear to us what an impact mom had on the people around her, in every area of her life.

Just before we had left the house the home nurse came by to pick up supplies and had told Dad how she loved getting to know Mom and that nurses in her office had been reading her Caring Bridge and want to attend the service if they can.

At the dry-cleaners, the owner started crying and hugging us, saying how sorry she was and how much she loved Mom. At Subway, the owner was brought to tears. He thanked us for coming in and letting him know, and told us that he’d be at the service without a doubt. I can’t say that the guy at our Subway would know who I am, but I am definitely inspired to live my everyday life a bit differently.

Kirstie and I got back to the car, and just sat there for a minute. Kirstie then said “So many people loved Mom. She even touched the lives of these people who only knew a small part of her. And we get to be a part of her family!”

Mom was the first person I went to for advice on raising my boys…she had so much wisdom to share. I will always be thankful for the times she allowed me to call in tears and how she’d help me walk through any situation with grace. She taught me so much and I pray that I can raise my boys to be Godly men as she did hers.

Categories: Family, Observations

Time For A New Journal

January 1, 2015 8 comments

New JournalNew Journal

New Years Day is when I open up a new journal for the coming year. As I do so I recognize that last’s years journal is not nearly full – quite blank actually with sporadic writings. Some years I overflow into two journals but not 2014. It is not that there wasn’t much happening – just the opposite. There was so much taking place that I barely had time to write. When I could find a moment here and there, I was lost for words.

One year ago today we received a phone call from our family doctor telling Brenda he had seen something in an x-ray that he wanted to have a closer look at. This led to her cancer diagnosis of stage-four lung cancer spreading to the brain and bone. At that moment, time stood still. From that moment on, time has been different for me.

We were told that Brenda might not see her birthday in August and that she would definitely not see another Christmas. However, doctors can’t know God’s time plan for Brenda. We are grateful to have celebrated the Christmas that was not to be. We are living with cancer as a reality in our lives now.

A lot can happen

How Time Feels

The first year of living with cancer seems to last forever. I have lost count of how many medical appointments there have been. We seem to measure time by when the next appointment is. Then when waiting for blood work test results or the latest MRI or CT scan time seems to take forever. Each day feels like a week. Weeks feel like months, and months feel like years.

Lengthening Days

Time has become very precious to me this year. Every second does count and we rejoice at every day we have together. Here in the northern hemisphere, and at our latitude, we are in a season when daylight increases by one minute per day. Brenda and I were out walking together and she asked, “So what are you going to do with your minute today?” At first I did not understand what she was talking about. She then explained about the lengthening of the daylight hours. This led to a very enjoyable, fun, and reflective conversation about how we might each use our extra minute that day. Suddenly I found myself dreaming about how I could use that minute – and then the new minute tomorrow and the next day.

For most of us, time is something that we never seem to have enough of. We have so to do that we scarf down our meals to get meetings just in time to get a seat. Then it is off to the next thing, and the next thing – then we swiftly make our way home for dinner and just when you think that the day is finally over – there is another meeting at the church or a workout that is calling your name. When we finally get to sleep it can be near or after midnight and we need to get up at 6am the next day. With all the expectations on us plus adding family, friends, relationships, volunteer work etc. – who has time for anything else?

How often have you heard in the marketplace, “Time is money”? Well time is not money. Time is life and you and I get to choose how we spend it.

How We Spend Time

The way that we manage time can be one of the most challenging parts of our working life. But remember that Jesus had more day-to-day demands than can be imagined and yet he moved throughout his days with a peace that came from knowing that there was always enough time to accomplish His Father’s will for that day. All the time that God allows to us, is just enough for the work that He calls us to. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Each year Brenda and I take a day to do planning for how we are going to use our time and resources in the 12 months to follow. It is our family annual general meeting and we do this right around the change of the calendar year. We are about to have that meeting and dream about our intentional use of our time in 2015. I said “dream” because we have certainly been reminded this year that time is in the Lord’s hands. However, this year it is perhaps more important for us to meet and discuss our use of time. We now have to factor in our energy level and capacity for activity. We have to be selective about our relationships – spending time with those who are inspiring and hope carriers and not draining. We are discerning about how we spend our minutes.

So I am thinking a lot about time. In fact I am spending more time than ever before planning how to spend my time.

Time With God

Time is precious. It is our most precious commodity. That is why I wanted to write something about it and emphasize that the most important activity of our day is actually our time with God. I have never been perfect at having intentional time with God but I have a long enough history and experience to know that it is extremely important.

Scripture reminds us, “Make sure that you don’t get so absorbed and exhausted in taking care of all your day-to-day obligations that you lose track of the time and doze off, oblivious to God. The night is about over, dawn is about to break. Be up and awake to what God is doing!” ROMANS 13:11-12 MSG

If you spend days, weeks, months acting oblivious to God it is going to make a difference. What if you didn’t spend consistent time with your spouse, your family or friends? It would result in losing touch with one another – a lack of closeness making you feel “out of touch.” The same thing happens in your relationship with God if you do not spend consistent time with him.

So with all that you have to do during the day, make sure that your time with God does not go by the wayside. Make it a priority for the day. You can move around other appointments, but not your time with God. Figure out what works best for you. When is the best time? Just find a few minutes of private Bible reading, prayer, and close by thanking God for all He does for you and who He is. By doing so you will learn to love Him.

So that is how I am going to use my extra minute. Quiet time with God in my library and favorite chair.

Every day God thinks of you. – Psalm 68:19

Every hour God looks after you.- 2 Thessalonians 3:3

Every minute God cares for you. – 1 Peter 5:7

Because every second, He loves you. – Jeremiah 31:3

Pue’s Christmas Card 2014

December 21, 2014 2 comments

Pues 226Charles Dickens wrote, ‘It was the best of times; it was the worst of times.’ Well 2014 has proven to be such a year for us.

On January 2nd a routine X-ray revealed a tumour in Brenda’s right lung that was confirmed as Stage IV Lung Cancer. We agree that this is the worst news we as a family have ever received in our collective lifetime.

Within ten days Brenda’s mom moved in to care for us all and, gratefully, is still with us. Brenda was told to get her affairs in order and was given about six months to live (June). Family and close friends became even more important. Time with God was and is essential. People around the globe began praying for us. 2014 has been a year marked by prayer, listening, learning, and seeing God in the ordinary.

BLOGlowres (432 of 437)It has been a year of family retreats. All 12 of us gathered together on four different occasions – grandparents, parents, and grandchildren. These times away, plus family nights twice per month, have brought tenderness to an otherwise intense year.

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In August, we boated up the coast with life friends and Brenda celebrated the birthday that we didn’t think we would see.

In October our hearts filled with gratitude for the gift of another Thanksgiving, which also marked our 38th Anniversary. On the 31st  Carson stepped down from his role as ED at First so that we could have more time together. He continues to work part time advising on our church’s building project.

In November Arrow Leadership hosted a retirement celebration for Brenda that was very moving. As well we enjoyed three grandkids’ birthdays. All of these celebrations held something deeper for us.lowres (285 of 347)

Brenda is sharing her journey online and you may follow her here: www.caringbridge.org/visit/brendapue

The best of times? Well we didn’t know that such sweetness was possible in a cancer journey. But we do know that with God all things are possible.

Love, Carson and Brenda
21707 – 46 Ave, Langley BC, Canada V3A 8M9

Categories: Observations

Brenda Pue: One Hundred and Forty Six Days

May 27, 2014 3 comments

146 Days

It is amazing that we are 146 days into Brenda’s diagnosis. We have been so blessed by the love and support of our family, friends and our church and the Arrow Leadership network.

Brenda is doing remarkably well all things considered. I wanted you to see for yourself so here are two video clips. The first is a message that she recorded for a series of Arrow events across the country that had she been well she would have probably attended with Dr. Steve Brown and our friend Ken Shigematsu who was speaking about rhythm based on his best-selling book “God in My Everything: How an Ancient Rhythm Helps Busy People Enjoy God.” It was recorded one week after her diagnosis.

She recorded it to greet hundreds of Arrow leaders whom she has known personally over many years.

 

Best Easter Ever

Brenda has only been able to attend church once with me since January – and that was on Resurrection Sunday. While I was in the midst of talking to our congregation. Safe to say I was not at the top of my game as it was an emotional day for me.

My colleague, and Senior Minister, Darrell Johnson sidled up beside me – and you can watch what happened. He pointed out to the church that Brenda was present and invited her up onto the platform with me. She spoke for just a few moments – and it was powerful. We have felt such love from this congregation in the heart of this great city.

Caring Bridge

Brenda’s writing about her journey has captured the attention of thousands and touched many hearts. I have been collecting all of her entries and we are praying about publishing it in a book form for others who face (what the medical community call) terminal illness. What is interesting is the amount of peace we feel when we take just one day at a time.

Brenda’s latest entry can be read HERE.

 

The Upside Down Cross

February 16, 2013 6 comments

The daily commute and normal people

Skytrain-BurrardI love taking public transit to work and one of the reasons is that it surrounds me every day with ‘normal’ people – those who are not followers of Jesus. I say normal because they are the majority – especially in my city.

Yesterday, a young woman in her twenties boarded the train dressed in black from head to toe and sat right in front of me facing sideways. She was sharply dressed and looked as though she might work in one of the large office towers in the city centre. Her style was like ‘professional Goth.’

As she was getting settled in her seat she turned her head to the side and I was able to see a tattoo on her left cheek. It was an upside down cross.

“I notice your tattoo, where did you get it done?” I asked. (If you are putting a tattoo on your face I figure you are inviting conversation.) She looked directly into my eyes pondering if she would even respond. Was I being judgmental or condemning? Why was this man even talking to me? Eventually she answered with the name of an artist and she had it done nine blocks from our church.

“I guess if you are going to get a tattoo on your face, you would sure want to have the right artist.” I answered. “My son gets his done by an artist in Calgary.” This seemed to suddenly change our relationship and I even got a small smile. Now, keep in mind, the entire time I am looking at a young woman the age of my oldest daughter-in-law. She is attractive yet her dark eye makeup and the upside down cross on her face shout out a defiance that I am sure comes out of deep hurt.

“What is the meaning of the tatt?”inverted-cross

Laughing she responded, “It is my way of giving the finger to organized religion”

“Well it is a very appropriate tattoo for this week,” I responded.

“Why is that?”

“Because the Pope announced he is resigning and he actually sits on a chair that has an upside down cross engraved on it.”

“He does? Unreal!” She was really mystified. “Why.. would the Pope have this on his chair?”

“Well maybe he wasn’t brave enough to put it on his face,” I quipped.

She laughed with a big smile.

Flummoxed

“Before I tell you more, and out of respect for you, I want you to know that I am a minister. I work at First Baptist downtown.” She was flummoxed, her head now fully cocked to one side.

I continued, “I know that organized religion can be incredibly frustrating for people to understand and even experience.” More puzzled looks. “But the Pope has your symbol (pointing to her cheek) on his chair because for us as Christians it reminds us of Peter, one of Jesus’s disciples. Peter was  crucified on a cross like Jesus – but upside down. He was killed because he refused to renounce his faith in Jesus. He didn’t feel himself worthy to be crucified like Jesus and asked to be hung upside down..hence the cross on the Pope’s chair. The church was founded by this man – Peter.”

With a subdued softer bewildered look, she began to gather her things together getting ready for her stop. My morning friend did not seem anxious to run away and, had our commute allowed it, she might have liked to talk more.

Invite rather than tell

The Cross of St. Peter is shown in this French...

What will she think about when she looks in a mirror today, and tomorrow, and next week?

Inviting people to think, instead of telling them what to think is an effective way to engage normal people.

I hope I meet ‘cross lady’ again to continue the conversation.