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Two Years After: The grief journey as a family

August 12, 2017 4 comments

August 12, 2017, marks the second anniversary of Brenda’s passing. Two years and we still have days when we feel like we cannot participate in life. Yet the family are in this together (Phil. 1:30). We know it will not always hurt this much but even after two years it still seems so fresh as this woman loved and is loved, so deeply. We are choosing to move through this together. That’s how we roll in the Pue family.

We have established traditions around the anniversary date that we will maintain. It starts with all of Brenda’s boys – sons, grandsons (and Ellie) – attending the airshow. Why? It’s hard to explain, but when Brenda was in her final days she insisted that her boys go to the airshow, something we have enjoyed together many times. It was important to her.

I wondered if she just wanted time alone with Kristin (our first daughter in law), or maybe was just desiring some quiet time. We were at a stage where someone had to be with her at all times and Kris gladly stayed with ‘Mom’ while we all packed into the car and went off to enjoy something that in some ways took our minds off what was taking place at home. So part of our memories and thoughts about how intentional and thoughtful Brenda was, we went again and enjoyed the display of flight.

This  morning we gathered early as a family and go to the cemetery where we hold a private time as family sharing stories of Mom, Grammy and wife amidst tears. Then a reading to refocus us on hope for the future and healing followed by checking in with each other as to how we are doing with our grief. Jon closed as he prayed for us and we then we headed back.

It brings some joy to me to see how comfortable the grandkids are at the cemetery. They were an active part in her burial, actually hauling the buckets of dirt and helping the Burial Grounds Custodian tamp down the dirt as it was layered. My oldest grandson Landon dropped a note to Grammy into the burial box, Liam placed a flower in the grave and even my sweet Ellie who was dressed in a cute dress got herself all dirty helping with the dirt. Now when they come they feel comfortable and not afraid or fearful.

There is always something planned for the children to participate in our remembrance service as we want them an active part of our day. Today they laid a rose with us on the gravesite and either said something about Grammy or placed a drawing there for her. Dear Ellie found this morning hard. She loves so deeply.

When we gather at the house it is time for Grandpa’s (or as Georgia would say “Gwampa’s”) World Famous Pancakes . We placed more roses on the table with us in recognition of Brenda’s absence and we continued to share wonderful stories about Mom and Grammy while we eat as well as appreciating doing this grief journey together.

Tomorrow we pack up for a week away at Barnabas, a place illed with memories of Brenda. During Brenda’s illness we held a few family retreats here. It is a “thin place” as the Irish would say. We decided as a family to join together with Barnabas to finish a new bedroom in her memory. So we look forward to seeing how the construction has come along since our last visit.

IMG_3532Brenda and I have spent literally months at Barnabas over the years. Training Arrow  leaders, ministering to families, hosting retreats and all of our sons have  served there over the years. It as without a doubt Brenda’s favourite place on the planet and we wanted to acknowledge this by creating a memory of her there that we will be able to see used for ministry over the years to come.

Our week at Barnabas encourages our family value of summer camp and provides at time when we can learn together and just hang out without any other pressures on our busy family. It is not by chance that Dr. Steve Brown (Arrow Leadership) is the speaker for the week we are there and we all enjoy sitting under Steve’s teaching made especially touching in that he and Brenda worked so closely together, he married Jeremy and Shari and has been know to our kids for years. This being the first year at Barnabas with our newest grandson Roland (or Ro as he is already called) will be bitter sweet. Brenda would be all over him but we will gladly take turns caring for him.

I am not sure how the descending of the Pue clan onto the island affects others. We will definitely make it a bit noisier with our laughter and sheer number – 13 of us! I want all to realize that sometimes, in order to heal, we must free ourselves from others expectations and also from our own. There are times in a day when we actually feel like laughing and the Pue’s enjoy those times. We see loving laughter as a cathartic gift just as much as our tears. I’m sure we will laugh and cry, but we will do it together.

What are we learning about grief so far? There are many things I will share from my perspective in another blog that I will write while at Barnabas. But as a family unit we are realizing it takes time to heal such a loss. We have learned to be gentle on ourselves realizing we all travel at a different pace in processing the loss. We decided early on that we will take as much time as it takes. My friend, Susan Perlman, encouraged us to mourn as it is necessary to heal fully.

There is a season for everything,

and a season for every activity under heaven . . .

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance.

– Ecclesiastes 3:1,4

It is a joy for me to watch my children treating each other with care and it is hard to imagine journeying alone through this. All are at different places but at this two year mark we can see how we have come along since last year.

The greater your loss, meaning the closer you were to the person who has passed, the more time you are going to need to heal. It is a testimony to Brenda’s relationship to each of us that we need more time. We all think that we were her favourite, but she made everyone think that.As people of faith we can see how God created us with the ability to heal, and we know that healing will happen.

It’s happening right now but more on that later.

 

 

“But If Not” Book Offer for 100 Huntley Street (30% Discount)

December 20, 2016 1 comment

Did you know that 100 Huntley Street is Canada’s longest running TV Talk Show? After decades of serving Canadians it is still a place men and women tune into to hear the stories of real people. With thanks to Lorna Dueck and her team I was invited to share a little about Brenda’s book and our family journey in grief after cancer.

Lorna is so easy to talk with I hardly noticed the cameras and lights. She and Brenda were close. In Brenda’s Bible she had a list of some leaders she prayed for each of the seven days in a week and Lorna was one of those leaders.

There is special offer for book purchases through 100Huntley to help share this story of courage, hope and trust with other men and women suffering with cancer or any terminal disease. To order click here to go the Arrow Leadership Store 

  1. Click on ADD TO CART
  2. Then Click VIEW CART
  3. Enter COUPON CODE using 100Huntley and the click UPDATE CART and a 30% discount will appear.
  4. Note your Cart total at the bottom of the page with your discount applied and PROCEED TO CHECKOUT
  5. At CHECKOUT fill in your billing data and you may safely use your credit card with Arrow’s PayPal system.
  6. Arrow will ship your books quickly.

Thanks to both Arrow Leadership and 100 Huntley Street for helping to encourage and comfort people during times of great testing.

Working with Words: Publishing Brenda’s “But If Not”

November 29, 2016 10 comments

fullsizeoutput_7f04What it was like to work on Brenda’s “But If Not” book – the journal of her 588 days living with cancer? That is a question a few brave friends have gently asked me over the past months. Here is my answer today..

It was hard handling her words, reading her inmost thoughts while facing the ultimate challenge – death. Hard also because I know how the story ends. Hard because I remember those days and they are precious memories for us – days I would never regret.

Other pages cause me to laugh out loud. Brenda is very funny at times while recounting her experiences with cancer and openly sharing the feelings she experienced. The sweet story about the Jack Russell terrier that followed us home on a walk, her struggling getting words mixed up, and the funny interactions with her boys and grand kids are hilarious at points. She never really lost her ability to make us smile and laugh.

I’m also moved by the friendships that are obvious throughout the book. Brenda has friends literally around the world. Not fleeting friends, or Facebook friends. I’m talking about friends who walk life with you, and most notably her Palm Springs Prayer Group. Readers will glean a great deal about how to be a real friend though Brenda’s story.

For me, recounting the first eleven days was difficult. I am so grateful for our family during those days of tests and more tests until the lung cancer diagnosis was given. We were a close family back then, and we are even closer today because of Brenda’s faith and leading us well in this incredible journey. The last section of the book called the epilogue was written by our adult children.  That particular section caused many tears on my part as I ‘listened’ to them share their individual perspectives on “Mom”. They sure love her.

When we received the first copy of the published book Jason asked me what it was like to hold it. I replied, “Good. It feels good.” We pray that readers will love the insightful, courageous faith filled words of “But If Not” and that these words will encourage others to live life with generous intentionality.

Categories: Observations

Red sky in mourning, sailors take warning

October 2, 2016 15 comments

redskyin-mourning

Today I am on my sailboat needing some time alone. At sunrise the horizon shone with red hues reminding me of an old mariners phrase. A reddish sky around sunrise means a lot of water vapour already present in the atmosphere and rainy weather is thus expected. This explains why sailors repeat, “Red sky in morning, sailors take warning. Red sky at night, sailors delight”.

Well today I changed it to “red sky in mourning” for that is what I am doing. Mourning the absence of my beloved Brenda and being sensitive to my own grief journey. Today, I had set aside in order to complete the edits on Brenda’s book “But If Not: 588 Days of Living with Cancer”. I knew that re-reading her journal of life and death would bring tears again, and it did.

It was actually both a time of tears and smiles. I read her words and was reminded of her attitude of gratitude amidst her pain. I read of the moments that brought her great joy while facing death and while they made me smile it served as a bit of a warning to me – or better stated, a reminder.

The reminder is found in this quote from page 246:

So may this journal of life and death inspire you to not waste a second of your life on things that are not going to last forever. Trust in God for eternity, and leave a legacy through your investment in others that will change the world through God’s love and mercy. In life we will experience disappointments, but it need not lead to discouragement. Trust Him.

Trust -is my focus word for this year. But these words also emphasized that we should not to put our time and resources into those things that are not going to last forever. That is important for all to heed.

What lasts forever? Only two things last forever and that is relationships with those we love and God’s Word. The other things we often allow to squeeze these priorities out of our lives will ultimately be burned up. I want to devote the balance of my years to investing in relationships, starting with those in my own family, while relying on the words of the Bible that are the only words that breathe life into us.

My friend Chuck Swindoll said it so well..

The wonderful thing about relying on God’s Book is that it gives you stability. It gives you that deep sense of purpose and meaning. No other counsel will get you through the long haul. No other truth will help you stand firm in the storms of doubt and uncertainty. No other reality will give you strength for each day and deep hope for tomorrow. No other instruction has the power to give new meaning to your life.

I have many moments since Brenda’s passing where I have been seeking new meaning to my life. I am finding it through being faithful in reading scripture daily. Brenda interestingly left me a list of those things she wanted me to continue doing after her death.

Brenda’s List

  1. Continue to lead our family and grandchildren.
  2. Take care of yourself: your health, your friends and remember to take holidays for restoration
  3. Continue to proclaim the gospel of grace through speaking, writing and encouraging leaders.
  4. Travel strategically for ministry and pursue your passion for China and Africa.
  5. Enjoy the business of executive mentoring.

Notice how they focus on things that are eternal? They are all relational and fuelled by the gospel or good news of God.

Only two things last forever—and I’m committed to both. How about you?

PS. Brenda’s book BUT IF NOT will be available soon and I will make it know once printing is completed.

brenda-but-if-not-cover

 

Categories: Observations

Those Last Days by Kirstie Pue

August 25, 2015 10 comments
Mom and I a month after her diagnosis.

Mom and I one month after her diagnosis.

I had the incredible honor of caring for Mom in the last week of her life. As a nurse, it was the only thing I had to offer to her as a gift, to fulfill her wish to die at home, and it was the greatest privilege of my life. Yet, even now, it seems so small in comparison to all of the gifts she gave me in the five years I’ve been a part of her family.

That last week was hard for everyone. Realizing how quickly everything had changed was a huge shock, but we were yet again blessed with extra time with Mom. Her strength still astounds us all. In those last days we all had individual time with her – time I think we will all hold onto dearly because of the real moments of connection with her. Moments we never thought we would have again when we first gathered as a family around her bed. But Mom continued to amaze us by opening her eyes, smiling and even speaking small sentences to us. The five days passed both too quickly and so slowly at the same time. Those days all blend together now.

The most amazing thing I witnessed during that last week however, was the love between Carson and Brenda. Their tenderness toward one another was beautiful. How Dad would do anything for her, assisting me in caring for her in a way that no one else could. Helping me change and wash her; lifting her gently to reposition her on the bed; putting her favourite lip chap on so her lips wouldn’t dry out (even though he went too far down her lips, making mom wave him off). The way he whispered in her ear in her final moments, selflessly encouraging her to go meet her Lord, was both amazing and heartbreaking. I can only begin to imagine how hard that must have been, to let go of your life’s great love. It was so beautiful, the way he served her until her final breath.

Even in those last days, Mom served Dad too, giving him gifts better than presents. Gifts like opening her eyes when we didn’t think she would again. Doing things for him that was better than an “Oh Wow”, which she gave to others when she woke up and recognized them, but not to him. The gifts she gave him were things that seemed so simple, like pulling Dad in by his shirt so he was closer to her. The way she would spend so much of her precious energy just to reach up and touch his cheek. How she would turn her head to lean in and kiss him, and then how Mom spent an entire days worth of her energy moving over to Dad’s side of the bed because, after 39 years, her side just wasn’t close enough to him anymore. She loved him so deeply.

Mom served Dad by giving him the moments of confidence that allowed him to let go. Being able to witness those intimate moments meant everything to me. It was just another gift that Mom gave me, sharing the glimpses of their love with me, showing how even in the final moments, love is more than enough. I learned so much about marriage in those days, that it is about carrying each other to the finish, even if just one of you crosses the line. Theirs was, theirs is, a great love.

Love is what mom emanated. It’s been more evident to me than ever since she passed. She shone in every room she entered, and she brought people into that light by loving each person. The fact that people who, to most of us, may seem insignificant in the grand scheme of our lives, cried when they heard of her passing, speaks to how Mom touched their lives. It demonstrates how important people were to her and how much love was a part of her life. I learned so much about Godly love from Mom, I learned that love cannot be confined to just a marriage or a friendship, but to it is meant to be given equally to every relationship that we enter. She has inspired and challenged me to love differently.

Mom in the Neighbourhood by Kristin Pue

August 18, 2015 9 comments

11150720_10152647169076572_7645671183546204186_nSince Mom “slipped into heaven” the days have felt so long…and the roller coaster of emotions, so overwhelming. Mom had prepared so well. She took time to plan the details of her Celebration of Life and Hope Service. There were details for the family, gifts for people she loved. She left us lists, all sorts of lists, and every day as I look through them, they make me smile.

One of the first things we noticed was her “communication plan”. On this plan she had written who she wanted us to let know of her passing and memorial details. So Kirstie and I printed some pictures of Mom with her Celebration of Life details and headed out one afternoon to fulfill her wish. As well as the neighbours around Mom and Dad’s house, the list started with Porters, her favourite coffee shop. Then the dry-cleaners she went to and the Subway next door owned by a high school classmate of Jeremy’s. It seemed a bit strange doing this, but soon became very clear to us what an impact mom had on the people around her, in every area of her life.

Just before we had left the house the home nurse came by to pick up supplies and had told Dad how she loved getting to know Mom and that nurses in her office had been reading her Caring Bridge and want to attend the service if they can.

At the dry-cleaners, the owner started crying and hugging us, saying how sorry she was and how much she loved Mom. At Subway, the owner was brought to tears. He thanked us for coming in and letting him know, and told us that he’d be at the service without a doubt. I can’t say that the guy at our Subway would know who I am, but I am definitely inspired to live my everyday life a bit differently.

Kirstie and I got back to the car, and just sat there for a minute. Kirstie then said “So many people loved Mom. She even touched the lives of these people who only knew a small part of her. And we get to be a part of her family!”

Mom was the first person I went to for advice on raising my boys…she had so much wisdom to share. I will always be thankful for the times she allowed me to call in tears and how she’d help me walk through any situation with grace. She taught me so much and I pray that I can raise my boys to be Godly men as she did hers.

Categories: Family, Observations

Time For A New Journal

January 1, 2015 8 comments

New JournalNew Journal

New Years Day is when I open up a new journal for the coming year. As I do so I recognize that last’s years journal is not nearly full – quite blank actually with sporadic writings. Some years I overflow into two journals but not 2014. It is not that there wasn’t much happening – just the opposite. There was so much taking place that I barely had time to write. When I could find a moment here and there, I was lost for words.

One year ago today we received a phone call from our family doctor telling Brenda he had seen something in an x-ray that he wanted to have a closer look at. This led to her cancer diagnosis of stage-four lung cancer spreading to the brain and bone. At that moment, time stood still. From that moment on, time has been different for me.

We were told that Brenda might not see her birthday in August and that she would definitely not see another Christmas. However, doctors can’t know God’s time plan for Brenda. We are grateful to have celebrated the Christmas that was not to be. We are living with cancer as a reality in our lives now.

A lot can happen

How Time Feels

The first year of living with cancer seems to last forever. I have lost count of how many medical appointments there have been. We seem to measure time by when the next appointment is. Then when waiting for blood work test results or the latest MRI or CT scan time seems to take forever. Each day feels like a week. Weeks feel like months, and months feel like years.

Lengthening Days

Time has become very precious to me this year. Every second does count and we rejoice at every day we have together. Here in the northern hemisphere, and at our latitude, we are in a season when daylight increases by one minute per day. Brenda and I were out walking together and she asked, “So what are you going to do with your minute today?” At first I did not understand what she was talking about. She then explained about the lengthening of the daylight hours. This led to a very enjoyable, fun, and reflective conversation about how we might each use our extra minute that day. Suddenly I found myself dreaming about how I could use that minute – and then the new minute tomorrow and the next day.

For most of us, time is something that we never seem to have enough of. We have so to do that we scarf down our meals to get meetings just in time to get a seat. Then it is off to the next thing, and the next thing – then we swiftly make our way home for dinner and just when you think that the day is finally over – there is another meeting at the church or a workout that is calling your name. When we finally get to sleep it can be near or after midnight and we need to get up at 6am the next day. With all the expectations on us plus adding family, friends, relationships, volunteer work etc. – who has time for anything else?

How often have you heard in the marketplace, “Time is money”? Well time is not money. Time is life and you and I get to choose how we spend it.

How We Spend Time

The way that we manage time can be one of the most challenging parts of our working life. But remember that Jesus had more day-to-day demands than can be imagined and yet he moved throughout his days with a peace that came from knowing that there was always enough time to accomplish His Father’s will for that day. All the time that God allows to us, is just enough for the work that He calls us to. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Each year Brenda and I take a day to do planning for how we are going to use our time and resources in the 12 months to follow. It is our family annual general meeting and we do this right around the change of the calendar year. We are about to have that meeting and dream about our intentional use of our time in 2015. I said “dream” because we have certainly been reminded this year that time is in the Lord’s hands. However, this year it is perhaps more important for us to meet and discuss our use of time. We now have to factor in our energy level and capacity for activity. We have to be selective about our relationships – spending time with those who are inspiring and hope carriers and not draining. We are discerning about how we spend our minutes.

So I am thinking a lot about time. In fact I am spending more time than ever before planning how to spend my time.

Time With God

Time is precious. It is our most precious commodity. That is why I wanted to write something about it and emphasize that the most important activity of our day is actually our time with God. I have never been perfect at having intentional time with God but I have a long enough history and experience to know that it is extremely important.

Scripture reminds us, “Make sure that you don’t get so absorbed and exhausted in taking care of all your day-to-day obligations that you lose track of the time and doze off, oblivious to God. The night is about over, dawn is about to break. Be up and awake to what God is doing!” ROMANS 13:11-12 MSG

If you spend days, weeks, months acting oblivious to God it is going to make a difference. What if you didn’t spend consistent time with your spouse, your family or friends? It would result in losing touch with one another – a lack of closeness making you feel “out of touch.” The same thing happens in your relationship with God if you do not spend consistent time with him.

So with all that you have to do during the day, make sure that your time with God does not go by the wayside. Make it a priority for the day. You can move around other appointments, but not your time with God. Figure out what works best for you. When is the best time? Just find a few minutes of private Bible reading, prayer, and close by thanking God for all He does for you and who He is. By doing so you will learn to love Him.

So that is how I am going to use my extra minute. Quiet time with God in my library and favorite chair.

Every day God thinks of you. – Psalm 68:19

Every hour God looks after you.- 2 Thessalonians 3:3

Every minute God cares for you. – 1 Peter 5:7

Because every second, He loves you. – Jeremiah 31:3