Parents: Keeping the Light On

Somewhere tonight, a parent is lying awake with a phone on the nightstand that never rings. Not because they’ve stopped loving their son or daughter. Because the conversation that needs to happen can’t happen yet. The other side isn’t ready to have it in real time.

I’ve sat with enough of these parents to know the question that keeps them up. Not “will they ever call.” The harder one: “if they do, what do I say?”

You don’t get to script that moment. But you can prepare your heart for it, the way you’d leave a porch light on for someone still finding their way home in the dark. You don’t know which night it’ll be. You just know you want the light on when it happens.

So let me offer three phrases I learned. This is not a technique, it’s a posture.

I know..

Not “I know I was wrong,” not “I know you were wrong either.” Just, “I know things are not the way we both wish they were.” No defence, no ledger of who owes whom an apology. Just an honest acknowledgement that the distance is real and it has cost you both something.

I’m not..

This is the phrase most parents skip, and it’s the one that opens the door. Say the thing they’re already braced for, then tell them you’re not saying it. “I’m not asking you to apologise. I’m not asking you to tell me I was right.” Your child has rehearsed this conversation a hundred times in their head, and in most of those rehearsals, you’re the one demanding something. Take that off the table before they ask.

I’m ready..

Not ready to talk. Ready to listen. There’s a world of difference. Talking is what got you here.

A friend of mine, I’ll call him Doug, went eleven years without a real conversation with his daughter. Christmas cards, the odd text about a grandchild’s birthday, nothing more. When she finally phoned, he told me his first instinct was to explain himself. Decades of a father’s instinct to be understood. He didn’t. He said the three things and then he stopped talking. Forty minutes of near silence followed, most of it hers. He told me afterwards it was the hardest conversation of his life, precisely because he had so little to say in it.

I think of the father in Luke’s Gospel, watching the road long before there’s anything on it to see. Scripture doesn’t tell us what he rehearsed in those years, only that he ran while his son was still a long way off. That’s the part I can’t get past. He didn’t wait for the apology to reach the doorstep. He was already moving.

Some of you will do all of this right and the call still won’t come this year, or next. I won’t pretend that away. But the conversation still has to be lived out, even when it can’t be spoken. You live it out by staying steady. By not posting the passive-aggressive thing. By letting your child know, in small and consistent ways, that the door was never locked. They just couldn’t see the light under it yet.

What does that look like? Smaller than you’d think. Send the birthday text with no question mark at the end, nothing that demands a reply. Keep your address and your number the same for as long as you possibly can, so finding you is never the hard part. If there’s a family gathering, extend the invitation and then let it go, rather than turning silence into a reason to stop inviting. Resist the pull to use a sibling or a grandchild as a go-between carrying messages back and forth; that puts weight on a relationship that isn’t built to hold it. And if you’re a person of faith, pray for them by name rather than by category. “My daughter” is a prayer. “My estranged child” is a diagnosis. Do this for years if you have to, without keeping score of how long it’s been.

My prayer for you isn’t that the phone rings tomorrow. It’s that you keep being the parent worth calling, whether or not this is the year it happens. There will be a day when that conversation needs to happen on their end. I don’t want you sitting in the regret of having been unwilling on the day they were finally ready.

So what would it look like this week to leave the light on, with no promise it will ever be seen?

Steady Presence Beats Strong Opinion Every Time

An older man and a young boy sitting on a dock, gazing at a sunset over a calm lake.

We live in an age drunk on opinion. Everyone has one. Most have ten. And thanks to the miracle of Wi-Fi, we can broadcast them before we’ve even had our second cup of tea. Strong opinions are applauded. Quick takes are rewarded. Volume often masquerades as wisdom. But in leadership—and in parenting—steady presence beats strong opinion every time. Let me explain.

In leadership circles, the loudest voice in the room is often mistaken for the strongest. It’s not. It’s simply the loudest. A strong opinion may win an argument. It rarely wins a heart. Children do not flourish under the weight of your certainty; they flourish under the shelter of your steadiness. The same is true of teams. When a leader reacts quickly, declares boldly, and pivots sharply with every new headline, people feel the tremor beneath their feet. But when a leader is steady—calm, measured, not easily rattled—others exhale. And when people exhale, they think better. They risk more. They grow. Think of Winston Churchill during the Blitz. He had opinions—strong ones. But what the British people drew strength from wasn’t merely his rhetoric. It was that he stood in the rubble with them. He did not disappear. Presence anchored his words. In crisis, people do not need your sharpest insight first. They need to know you’re not going anywhere.

To Parents and Grandparents

Parenting is a long game. As parents, and grandparents, we are tempted to correct everything in real time. Every mistake. Every attitude. Every misstep. You can spend your life chasing behaviour with opinions. Or you can build a climate with presence. Presence says, “I’m here. I’m not panicked. You’re not too much for me.” Strong opinion says, “Here’s what’s wrong. Here’s how you fix it. Here’s why you’re mistaken.” There is a place for guidance, absolutely. Scripture is not shy about correction. But notice how often Christ simply stayed with people. Consider Jesus with Peter after failure. He did not unload a lecture on loyalty metrics. He made breakfast. Then he restored him. Presence first. Instruction second. That order matters more than we think.

If you are constantly asserting your opinion, it is often because you are afraid of losing authority. Ironically, the more you insist, the more you diminish. Authority grows quietly when people experience you as consistent. You do not overreact. You do not shift with every emotional gust. You do not disappear when things get awkward. In boardrooms and living rooms alike, steadiness is magnetic. A steady leader does not rush to fill every silence. A steady parent does not escalate every conflict. A steady grandfather does not need to win every debate at the table. He just needs to be there: anchored, attentive, unflustered. That kind of presence becomes a reference point in other people’s storms.

Five years from now, most of your opinions about cultural flare-ups will be irrelevant. But your children will remember whether you were emotionally safe. Your team will remember whether you were consistent. Your spouse will remember whether you were available. Strong opinions often serve our ego. Steady presence serves others. And if we are honest, ego is loud. Love is steady.

What does steady look like?

Steadiness is not passivity. It is disciplined restraint. It is strength under control. It is choosing timing over impulse. It is asking a question before issuing a verdict. It is listening long enough that your eventual words carry weight. The leaders I trust most are not those who always know what to say. They are those who know when not to speak. There is a difference.

So..

Before you offer your next strong opinion, pause. Ask yourself if this is the right moment. Ask whether your motive is clarity or control. Ask whether your presence alone might accomplish more. You may find that simply staying calm, staying curious, and staying near does more good than your carefully constructed argument. And if you must choose between being right and being relational, choose relational. Right answers without relationship harden hearts. Steady presence softens them. In leadership and in parenting, you are not building a case. You are building people. And people grow best in the company of someone who isn’t going anywhere.

What Patrick Knew That Most Leaders Never Learn

Most people celebrating St. Patrick’s Day today couldn’t tell you much about the man behind the shamrock. They know the colour green. They know Ireland. They might know snakes.

Here’s what they don’t know: Patrick wasn’t Irish.

He was a teenager from Roman Britain when Irish raiders kidnapped him and sold him into slavery. He spent six years alone on a hillside in Ireland, tending sheep, cold and forgotten. Then he escaped, made it home — and went back.

That decision is the whole story.

Character Before Competence

Leadership literature loves a good framework. Five steps to this. Three habits of that. What it rarely talks about is what Patrick understood instinctively: who you are when no one is watching is who you will be when everyone is.

Six years of slavery didn’t produce a bitter man. They produced a formed one.

Patrick’s years of hardship weren’t a detour from his calling — they were the preparation. The loneliness deepened his prayer life. The powerlessness cultivated humility. The suffering stripped away every motive except the one that mattered.

Most leaders want the influence without the formation. Patrick got the formation first. The influence followed.

He Went Back

This is the move that separates Patrick from nearly every leader I’ve ever studied.

He escaped Ireland. He was free. He had every reason — and every right — to never think about that island again. Instead, he had a dream in which he heard the Irish people calling him to return. And he went.

Not because it was safe. Not because it was strategic. Because it was his.

Calling-driven leadership and career-driven leadership look similar on the outside. Both produce activity, results, even impact. But when the cost goes up — when the assignment gets hard, when the opposition stiffens, when it would be entirely reasonable to walk away — only one of them stays.

Patrick stayed because he wasn’t building a career. He was answering a call.

He Didn’t Lead Alone

Patrick didn’t build an institution. He built a community.

The Celtic model of leadership that Patrick embodied was relational at its core — small bands of people moving together, sharing life, extending the mission not through hierarchy but through belonging. He formed clann.

There’s something countercultural in that today. We measure leaders by their platform, their reach, their numbers. Patrick measured his work by whether people were genuinely changed — and whether they, in turn, changed others.

The leaders I most respect aren’t the ones with the biggest stages. They’re the ones with the deepest roots — people who know and are known, who lead from inside a web of real relationship rather than above it.

The Question Patrick Leaves You With

Here’s where I want to leave you — not with a technique, but with a mirror.

Patrick went back to the place of his suffering and made it the place of his greatest contribution. That is not a coincidence. That is a pattern.

What is the hard place you’ve been avoiding? The hard conversation you keep deferring? The assignment that feels too costly, too uncomfortable, too much like going back to something you’d rather leave behind?

It may be precisely the thing you’re meant to walk toward.

That’s what I wrote about in Lead Like a Saint. Not a hagiography of a historical figure, but an honest look at what it means to lead from character, from calling, and from the kind of courage that doesn’t make headlines but does change lives.

Patrick didn’t set out to become a saint. He set out to be faithful.

That’s still the best leadership model I know.

Lead Like a Saint is available now. And if you are interested in hearing about my upcoming leadership tours in Ireland — the actual places where Patrick walked — head to this link for a chat, or email me at tours+carson@carsonpue.com. Happy St. Patrick’s Day.

Remembering Martin: Two Years Later

Yesterday marked two years since my dear friend Martin Sanders went to be with the Lord. I’ll be honest—sitting down to write about him on the actual anniversary was too much. Instead, I spent the day thinking of him, carried by memories and that familiar ache of missing him. In some ways, it feels like a lifetime ago; in others, I still expect to see his name pop up on my phone, ready with a question, a laugh or a sharp insight.

Grief is a strange companion, isn’t it? It changes shape, but the love that fuels it remains constant.

Martin and I shared a lot of life together. We weren’t just colleagues or casual acquaintances; we were soul friends. We were part of the Point Group, Leighton Ford’s mentoring cohort, which was a crucible for deep connection and spiritual growth. In those rooms, we learned that leadership isn’t just about strategy—it’s about the state of your soul.

One of the profound threads that bound us together was the mutual loss of a spouse. When you walk through that specific valley, you speak a language that others, thankfully, haven’t had to learn yet. We understood the silence of an empty house. We understood the ache.

I will never forget when my wife, Brenda, died. Martin didn’t send a card. He didn’t just call. He changed his plans, got on a plane, and flew to be with me. He didn’t come to fix anything—he knew he couldn’t. He didn’t come with platitudes or theological explanations. He just came to be there.

That is the mark of a true friend and a great leader. He understood the ministry of presence. Do you have people in your life who will just sit in the ashes with you? If you do, treasure them.

Later, when God brought a new chapter of joy into my life and I remarried, Martin didn’t miss a beat. He welcomed Glenda into our friendship from the very beginning with open arms and that characteristic warmth of his. He made her feel like she had always been part of the circle. Because of that, she misses him deeply, too.

Our friendship wasn’t all solemn nods and shared grief. Far from it. We laughed—loudly and often. We shared a certain irreverence that might have surprised people who only knew us from a distance. We travelled together, finding humour in the chaos of airports and the nuances of different cultures. We believed the disciples of Jesus laughed a lot and that if you can’t laugh at the absurdity of life, you probably aren’t paying close enough attention.

Out of our shared passion for developing leaders, we started the Mentored Podcast. We wanted to pass along wisdom, encourage other mentors, and frankly, just have the conversations we wished we’d heard when we were younger. Recording those episodes didn’t feel like work; it felt like an extension of our friendship. I re-listen to them sometimes, just to hear his voice and his wisdom.

Martin was a man who invested deeply in others. He challenged me, he encouraged me, and he loved me well. He also loved my sons and spent time with them even when they lived overseas. When they married, he embraced my daughters and loved them too.

As I reflect on these two years without him, I am reminded that the best way to honour those we’ve lost is to embody what they taught us. Martin taught me about showing up. He taught me about the power of laughter. He emphasized the importance of taking care of your own soul. He taught me that mentoring is, at its heart, about loving people into their potential.

So today, I’m thanking God for the gift of Martin Sanders. I miss him, but I am so grateful that our paths didn’t just cross—they merged for a season.

Here’s a question for you as you go about your week: Who needs you to just show up for them today? Not to fix, not to preach, but just to be?

Rest well, my friend. We are carrying the torch.

It’s Time For Men to Break Out Of Their Shell and Make Room for Friendship

There’s a common stereotype that men don’t need friends, that they don’t have time for friendship, or that it isn’t an important part of their lives. This is a damaging narrative that needs to be corrected. The truth is that friendships are just as important for men as they are for women, and the benefits of having strong friendships far outweigh any excuses not to make time for them.

The Benefits of Friendship

Having strong friendships can provide numerous benefits such as increased mental health, improved self-esteem, greater emotional support, and even better physical health. People with strong friendships tend to live longer than those without, and those who actively maintain their social networks tend to enjoy more fulfilling lives overall. Furthermore, having strong relationships can help men become better leaders in their professional lives. Studies have shown that people who cultivate meaningful relationships with others are more likely to be successful in business and leadership roles.

Respecting the Depth of Friendship

When it comes to building real connections with other people, there needs to be a certain level of respect and trust in order for the relationship to flourish. Respect is essential because it encourages both parties involved to open up about themselves and share personal experiences without fear of judgement or ridicule. This kind of depth helps create an environment where individuals feel comfortable enough to talk openly about their challenges and successes with each other. It also allows them to build meaningful relationships over time by growing together through shared experiences—both good and bad—and learning from each other along the way.

Activities That Bring Friends Together

Making room for friendship doesn’t necessarily mean spending hours pouring your heart out on a park bench every day; it could simply mean carving out some quality time with friends on a regular basis for activities like playing video games or sports together; going out for drinks or dinner; watching movies; exploring new places; attending events or conferences; taking classes together; trying out new recipes at home; or just catching up over coffee or tea on weekends. These activities allow people to build lasting friendships while having fun at the same time!

Earlier, an interview aired on the television show 100 Huntley Street about the friendship I share with Bob Kuhn and David Bentall. In it we talk about the mutual sharing of weakness as a foundation of authentic friendship. Take a look using the link below. (It starts at the 4:30 mark on the broadcast).

What is Keeping You?

Men should prioritize friendship in their lives and actively seek opportunities to engage with friends. Building meaningful connections with those around us is essential for mental, emotional, and physical health. Spending time with close friends can help us feel more connected, reduce stress, and boost our moods.

Additionally, it's important to be mindful of our relationships with family members and show them the same attention as we do our closest friends. For the past three years, I have been calling my brothers each Sunday night just to stay in touch. I also phone my mother-in-law regularly to check in on how she is doing.

Making room in our lives for friendship is essential if we want true fulfillment. Not only do friendships offer countless benefits, but they also encourage us to grow into healthier versions of ourselves when we surround ourselves with people who genuinely care about us and vice versa. So go ahead, break out of your shell—it’s time you reap all the rewards friendship has waiting for you!

Navigating the Transition: A Pastor’s Guide to Embracing a New Church Year

As the summer days dwindle and the crispness of autumn fills the air, pastors of churches in the Northern Hemisphere find themselves at the cusp of a new beginning. The transition from summer to fall marks not just a change in weather but also the start of what we often refer to as the new “church year.” For pastors, this period can be filled with emotions and challenges as they navigate the shifting dynamics within their congregations and guide their teams and boards through the transition. As one who has been a pastor and developed the leadership skills of hundreds of pastors, I would like to share and explore the priorities pastoral leaders should focus on during this time, discuss some new patterns for sustainable ministry, and provide practical tips to help pastors find balance amidst the changing seasons.

Emotions and Challenges:

Seasonal transition periods can bring about a mix of emotions for pastors. The anticipation of what lies ahead, coupled with the weight of responsibility, can sometimes make even the most seasoned leaders feel a sense of apprehension. Leading a team through this period of change requires a delicate balance of empathy, vision, and communication. Pastors must be attuned to the emotions of their team and board members, providing reassurance and support while also setting clear vision and expectations for the new church year.

Priorities and Approaches:

During this seasonal phase, pastors must prioritize certain aspects to ensure a smooth and successful start to the new church year. Here are a few key areas that deserve special attention:

Vision Casting: As the leader of the church community, pastors play a crucial role in setting the vision and direction for the upcoming year. This involves communicating overarching goals, themes, and strategies to the team and board members, inspiring them to embrace the vision as their own.
Team Development: Building a solid and cohesive team is essential for any pastor. During this transition, pastors should intentionally invest time in nurturing relationships, identifying individual strengths, and aligning team members with their respective roles. This fosters a sense of unity and purpose, enabling the team to work harmoniously towards shared goals.
Renewed Spiritual Focus: The start of a new church year provides an opportunity for pastors to reinvigorate their own spiritual journey and encourage their congregation to do the same. Pastors should prioritize personal spiritual practices, such as prayer and reflection, to ensure they are spiritually nourished and equipped to lead. I know many pastors who take a retreat time in October or November after getting the church up and running in September.

New Patterns for Sustainable Ministry:

Pastors must create a healthy work-life balance by developing sustainable habits. I was personally not great at this, and there is a price to be paid. Here are some practical tips for achieving this:

Time Management: Pastors can benefit from implementing effective time management techniques, such as creating schedules, prioritizing tasks, and setting boundaries. This allows them to allocate time for both ministry responsibilities and personal rejuvenation.
Delegation and Empowerment: Pastors should learn to delegate tasks and empower others within their teams. By entrusting responsibilities to capable individuals, pastors can reduce their workload and create opportunities for growth and development among team members.
Self-Care: It is crucial for pastors to prioritize self-care to avoid burnout. This can include engaging in hobbies, seeking support from mentors or peers, and practicing self-care. By taking care of themselves, pastors can better serve their communities, but as my therapist says of pastors, “We have a hard time taking off the collar.”

Encouraging Motivation and Energizing the Team:

To ensure that the transition period remains positive and energizing for their team and board, pastoral leaders can implement the following practical strategies:

Celebrating Achievements: Acknowledging and celebrating the successes of the previous year can boost morale and motivate team members to continue their hard work.
Setting Short-Term Goals: Breaking down larger objectives into smaller, achievable goals helps maintain focus and provides a sense of accomplishment along the way.
Cultivating Community: Creating spaces for fellowship, team-building activities, and open communication fosters a sense of belonging and camaraderie among the team and board members.

Being at the Helm

Those of you who know me will appreciate my sailing reference and photos here.

Being at the helm is more than just a phrase; it represents taking charge and assuming a position of leadership. When someone is at the helm, they are in control and responsible for guiding the course of action. It signifies a person’s ability to make decisions, steer the ship, and navigate through challenges.

Just like a captain stands at the helm of a ship, leaders stand at the forefront, providing direction and inspiration to their teams. They possess the vision, knowledge, and skills necessary to guide others towards success. Being at the helm requires qualities such as confidence, decisiveness, and the ability to inspire trust and unity among team members.

Leadership is an ongoing journey that involves continuous learning, adaptability, and effective communication. Whether in a professional setting, a community organization, or even in one’s personal life, being at the helm means taking ownership of one’s actions and making choices that positively impact those around them.

Remember, leadership is not only about taking control but also about empowering others, fostering collaboration, and achieving collective goals. By stepping up and embracing the responsibility of being at the helm, men and women have the opportunity to make a lasting impact and bring about positive change.

So, as summer fades and a new church year begins, pastors find themselves at the helm of change. By prioritizing vision casting, team development, and spiritual focus, pastors can navigate this transition with confidence and grace. Through new patterns for sustainable ministry, pastors can find a balance between their work and personal lives. By encouraging motivation and energizing their teams, pastors create a supportive environment for growth and renewal. Embrace this change of seasons as an opportunity to recommit to your calling and make a lasting impact on your community. May this new church year bring blessings, growth, and transformation to pastors and their congregations alike.

Now, let’s plan a time to get outside and enjoy some of the crisp morning air of Fall.

What do leaders talk to Mentors about? Part Three

Thank you for your interest and emails concerning this series on what questions I am commonly asked by leaders in mentoring relationships. While many have heard the term mentoring, lots of you are not quite sure what takes place in a formal mentoring relationship. Here is my next cluster of topics that I commonly speak to executives about. I welcome your comments or questions so please leave a note in the comments section at the end.

The development of men and women leaders is my calling, starting with my family. My work as an Executive Mentor is to come alongside leaders and their organizations helping them to be effective, well balanced and successful.

Often, I am asked, “What do leaders want to talk to you about?”. Some topics come up frequently and I shared examples in my previous posts in this series found here and part two here.

A mentor walks beside you and, in doing so, helps build your confidence and leadership ability. We help you discover insights, skills and solutions for your business, church, organization, or life. Our support and guidance helps you to draw your own conclusions and decisions guided by experience and passion for you to be a better leader.

1. How to confront an employee

So many leaders have an aversion to conflict and, because of this, do not hold their staff accountable properly. This fear leads to siloing and team members creating their fiefdoms within the organization. Our fear of conflict is usually grounded in our upbringing, and a therapist can be helpful if you want to understand more about your fear of confronting.

Usually, something from the past has created assumptions about how it will go, and you back off.You can’t change what you refuse to confront. Suppose leaders spend time avoiding arguments or difficult conversations. In that case, they are surrounded by people with poor job performance, staff who do not work well with others, a toxic atmosphere in the office, and status quo results.

A mentor can do several things to help also. I usually start with assisting the leader in realizing the “cost” of not being direct and reminding them that it is part of their job. If we consider what might be gained by being direct, leaders often reconsider assumptions holding them back.

There are MANY mistakes we can make when confronting others, and a mentor can help. Two quick tips are:

1. Don’t wait and always speak about it in person.

2. Never use email or voicemail for this leadership function.

One book I recommend is Jill Scott’s “Radical Candor” where she describes how she had to learn to be more direct as a leader.

If we confront someone we should have one goal in mind: restoration, not embarrassment.
Chuck Swindoll

2. Making difficult decisions

Leaders who postpone making decisions frustrate their teams and lose the respect for their leadership. Over time if you keep deferring making a decision, you will lose your best employees who want more action, and you will encourage those who love the status quo. With similarities to leaders who have trouble confronting employees, leaders who fail to make decisions share fear as the core of the problem. Mentors can help you face your fears and gain confidence.

Overthinking and perfectionism are common culprits with those who delay making decisions. Leaders in the relentless pursuit of perfection are afraid of deciding because they fear making the wrong decision. Only God knows the future, and therefore any decision we make is subject to variables that might happen in the future.

I make a decision. Then, if things don’t turn out like I thought, I make another decision.
Dave Ramsey

A mentor can help you develop the skill of making decisions and can also help you to evaluate your choices after implementation. You can grow in this area by experience, but experience comes at a cost – you are going to make some mistakes.

3. Identifying and solving problems.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

A mentor can serve as a safe sounding board for a senior leader to think aloud about identifying a problem. It is essential to discover what the real problem is.

A friend in Houston who was a bonafide card carrying rocket scientist with NASA told me, “The problem is NEVER the problem.”

There is a lot of truth in that nugget. How many of us have solved a problem only to find that it created several new problems. Finding solutions to complex situations requires help. I am always impressed with a leader who knows they would benefit from some mentoring when solving the root cause of some leadership issue. Often fresh eyes, like a mentor provides, can point out the obvious and save a great deal of time and potential loss.

If I had an hour to solve a problem I’d spend 55 minutes thinking about the problem and 5 minutes thinking about solutions
Albert Einstein

One leadership tip: Don’t let yourself get enamoured with large amounts of data. It is only helpful if you can make sense of it.

4. Handling transition and change.

The global pandemic of COVID, created change for leaders. I think of change as the shift of an external situation. As we have seen, it can happen fast and cause global upheaval. Transition is the reorientation people need to make in response to change, and that takes time.

Sometimes mentors can help leaders, or their teams, accept the need for change. It is easy to believe what they’ve been doing, and how they’ve been doing it, is the best possible way to do it. To be successful in both implementation, and helping people we need to manage both the change and the transition.

Similarly, succession-related factors should be on a leader’s radar. Often a safe discussion with a mentor, who does not hold power or position over the leader, is constructive to begin strategizing for the future.

To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often.
Winston Churchill

5. Leading up and working with boards

Photo by Christina Morillo on Pexels.com

I work with many not-for-profit organizations, which means their CEO, ED or President serve a governing board of directors. The operational leader reports to and works for the board, and a healthy, positive relationship with your “boss” makes your life much easier. However, no two boards are alike, and bad board governance is the stuff of legends. Those who serve on boards may need some leadership in working well with the CEO or lead staff person.

Leading up is more complicated than managing your team. It may involve offering your board a strategic insight, or a plan for a new initiative. I remind those I mentor that every member on a board has a day job. They do not live with the day-to-day operations of your organization, and they need leadership assistance to help understand what you and the staff do regularly. A mentor experienced serving on boards and who has worked for boards can assist both the board and the management team in working together.

Lots of times we are afraid to ask our board members to do too much because we’re afraid they will be scared off. I have long observed that more board members resign for lack of meaningful work, than from being overworked.
You and Your Nonprofit Board (Temkin, 2013)

Mentoring Associates

I have drawn together a team of associates to work with me in serving leaders. This new approach to coaching and mentoring has expanded our capacity to help leaders like yourself. Our team has a diversity of giftedness to mentor leaders in life, leading themselves, leading teams, strategy and marketing, all from a faith perspective.

If you would like to speak to me about how you might become more effective as a leader, spouse, strategist or influencer, please let’s talk. Here is my calendar, and you can choose a time that works for you.

What do people talk to mentors about?

Recently I received a gift box from my friends Jennah and Joel, a couple that I have mentored. Heck, I even officiated at their wedding. When I opened it and saw this keychain it made me smile from ear to ear. They reminded me that this is what I do. I am a leadership mentor, and day after day, I am engaged in mentoring men and women about life and leadership.

Hmmm?

This past week a friend was curious and asked, “Carson, what do people want to talk to a mentor about?”

With my head cocked slightly to the right and my inside voice going, “Hmmm?” I pondered before answering. Sharing what had come up this week, my friend found the variety of topics interesting and suggested that I write about this. So, this begins a series of posts on what people ask me as a mentor. Here are my first five:

Time

It is not uncommon for me to engage in conversations about time. How does one give quality time to friends, spouse and family while juggling work, recreation and others’ expectations? Of course, the discussion goes deeper than just learning some time management hacks. We need to understand often the drivers beneath how we use our time.

Priorities and Goals

Very much related to how we use time, is the focus and discipline required for getting things done. I find most people function, some at a very high level, with no real priorities or goals. They can find themselves in job settings where deadlines and seasonal patterns create a false sense of focus or goal. I help people to understand their purpose, and then help them live on purpose.

Choosing between Good and Great

In his book Good to Great, Collins points out how we often settle for good instead of choosing great. After talking with mentees about the previous two areas, a mentor can be a helpful sounding board to identify what “great” would look like and how to pursue it.

Personal Development

Leaders, homemakers, business people, teachers, construction people, law enforcement, pastors, professors and entrepreneurs are among those who have approached me wanting help in growing and developing themselves. This development they seek is not about work (that will follow). They want to grow and develop. They feel like they are stagnant or, worse, stuck. Often a mentor asking the right kind of questions can draw them into seeing a plan for their development, bringing so much more pleasure in life.

Professional Development

Another form of development sought is the more specific work-related mentoring? Perhaps you have a new role or a particularly challenging situation. In either case, the listening ear of a mentor with experience can help leapfrog you ahead and provide more confidence and affirmation. The workplace has changed a great deal in the past ten years, and organizations are often willing to invest in mentoring for their people.

“Show me a successful individual and I’ll show you someone who had real positive influences in his or her life. I don’t care what you do for a living—if you do it well I’m sure there was someone cheering you on or showing the way. A mentor.”
Denzel Washington

How about you? What question would you like to ask a mentor at this moment in your life or career? Add a comment below, I would love to hear your thoughts.

Blessings,

Unaware: Leaders under stress?

Awhile back, I had a conversation with my therapist, Ahmad. I cannot stop thinking about it. Ok, so he is not really my therapist, he is my barber, but our conversations are always fascinating.

Ahmad and I talked about the summer holidays and a time when he drove his family pulling a trailer. As he was driving, he felt the trailer’s weight and momentum behind him as he held the wheel. On the other hand, his wife was chatting to him without any sense of the pressure and responsibility of towing a trailer.

The first time I drove a trailer that was not behind a tractor was towing a sailboat in downtown Vancouver. It was scary at first. Was it hitched properly? Would my brakes handle the extra weight? What about the extra height – would I make it under bridges?

There was a certain sway to the trailer as the sailboat seemed unbalanced. I knew I had to be careful, especially when backing up while having my brain wrestle with counter-intuitive steering in the opposite direction. No question, Ahmad was correct in identifying driving with a trailer as stressful.

In a survey by the Center for Creative Leadership, eighty-eight percent of leaders reported that work is the primary source of stress in their lives and that having a leadership role increases stress levels. No kidding!

..having a leadership role increases stress levels. No kidding!
Carson Pue

In all my years of mentoring leaders, I have never seen an intensity of stress faced by leaders, as during this COVID-19 season. Whether in business, non-profits, or churches, leaders are juggling many additional demands on their time, attention, and focus. This past month, even the most effective leaders I know are feeling emotionally and physically worn down because of the pandemic.

When we as leaders are under extreme stress, it affects us in many ways. Our decision-making is affected because we have trouble processing information, and COVID has caused extreme responses. Often leaders focus on the immediate and have been kept from thinking about the long-term implications of decisions.

Another stress response is to become very controlling. Leaders stop working with their teams and make unilateral decisions as they try to control the situation – a pandemic beyond our ability to control.

Leadership stress also drives men and women into isolation. They want to withdraw, to hide, to run. By shutting other people out of their lives, leaders are often left with only their own counsel causing people around them to lose trust while they lose perspective.

The most common question I ask leaders these days is, “How well are you sleeping?” Stress impacts the quality of sleep we are getting. Lack of sleep affects our behaviour, reduces confidence, and can damage relationships with those closest to us.

Do you know a normally calm and positive leader who is now showing signs of anger, irritability, and being overwhelmed? These are signs that your leader needs to be encouraged to take time to practice radical self-care.

A problem exists in that you and I can just be “along for the ride.” We are unaware of the stress involved in driving the leadership trailer. So let me urge you to reach out to a leader and encourage them. Let them know you understand the stress they must be feeling and encourage their practicing of self-care. Lower high expectations during this time, and recognize good things they have accomplished. Encourage them to recharge, recover, pray and practice restorative activities.

Where Did Everyone Go?

COVID Leadership Lesson #2

During the global pandemic, Dr. Carson Pue has been mentoring Christian leaders around the globe. In doing so, he has made some observations.

These are their stories.

Ministry organizations I am mentoring and coaching are now working with fewer people on staff. Staff members are absent due to sickness – either themselves or loved ones for whom they are caring. Others have left because they are caring for children home from school or due to furloughs or layoffs caused by the impact of closures and reduced revenue.

My friend Bob Kuhn, in conversation the other day, said the challenge ahead is discerning how to maintain the mission while modifying the methods. Not only a catchy phrase, but Bob also speaks wisely about the role of leaders in organizations and businesses today. In the book Essentialism – The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, LinkedIn CEO Jeff Weiner considers “fewer things done better” as the most powerful tool for effective leadership. Essentialism, written in 2014, is perhaps the exact theme needed in 2020.

– Robert G Kuhn
Photo by **Mark Arron Smith** from **Pexels**

When asked by leaders how they are supposed to cope with all the reductions they are experiencing, I propose some questions to help think through what is essential, and how to maintain the mission with fewer paid staff and reduced financial resources.

Questions Leaders Can Ask

What are the essential services we offer? Can we limit any other services or activities and put more resources into our essentials?
With fewer staff, you cannot expect to do all you have done before COVID-19. Can we reduce the number of service hours we are open?
Do you have any area of your organization where only one person knows how to do a critical part of your work or ministry? If a crucial member of the team became ill or indisposed, is anyone cross-trained to keep the organization going?
Do you have any former staff or volunteers whom you might call on to ask for help during the pandemic?
Is there some new service, resource or product that you might be able to retool with fewer workers and generate new revenue?
What about you? If you were to become ill, have you identified who could make critical decisions in your absence?

I have been very encouraged by leaders who are not trying to be heroes, and who are inviting team members into leadership roles during this time. I think in years to come we will look back and realize how this Covid-19 season re-calibrated teams and revealed previously unrecognized strengths within them.

Keep your heart up,

Carson