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In the lowest level of the Cancer Agency is an area I refer to as ‘The Bunker’ because of its nuclear warning signs everywhere and the thickness of the concrete doors. There is a quietness down here unlike the rest of the hospital. Silence because of the soundproofing of the construction and silence because it is a sad environment for the patients there.

It still freaks me out a little, and we have seen allot this year. Fourteen months ago they “took a chance” on Brenda with whole brain radiation – right here. I remember being told before the treatment, “You need to understand some people do not make it through the treatment.” That get’s your attention.

‘The Bunker’ is one place where I actually like to have someone with me waiting for Brenda. My daughters and sons came last year for they understood it is too easy for Dad to get discouraged when alone here. Half-joking I referred to it then as being like a scene from “The Walking Dead.” There are so many patients who are receiving radiation as a paliative treatment to help them with pain and they look like they are near the end of their journey.

So what is my wife doing here? She doesn’t fit in with this crowd. In fact she stands out. All the staff love her – you can see it in their faces and by how they interact with her. Peace and joy radiate from her because of our faith and the prayers of thousands who support her.

Brenda is not always steadfast and brave. We both have our moments. Last night she reached out to her little prayer circle because she said she was losing her nerve. We prayed, they prayed and today went well. Many do not know this, but my wife is from a card carrying Albertan ‘cowboy’ family. Often I see the cowgirl in her. Like a cute little Canadian version of John Wayne in a dress, Brenda would echo, “Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway.”

So here we are again in ‘The Bunker’ getting Brenda measured for a CT guided radiation treatment that starts Monday on the primary tumour in her lung. Technology today allows them to do this with a precision unknown even five years ago. Her tumour is of a size now where this radiation treatment is possible and her new oncologist wants us to “kill that thing” to relieve pain and continue extending her days. After the lung is zapped, the radiation oncologist mentioned wanting to “have a go” at the cancer in her back bones. This is all good news and provides hope and that sense of life and living another day.

Being in ‘The Bunker’ does something for me.  The protective concrete environment here reminds me that cancer cannot silence Brenda’s courage. It cannot cripple our love for one another. It cannot break our family apart – we were prepared for such a challenge. Cancer cannot destroy friendship – in fact our friendships with others are growing deeper. Cancer cannot shatter the hope we have in God’s love, mercy and grace and we will not allow it to conquer our spirit in all of this.

So it is time to hunker down – apply ourselves seriously to the task – and hit ‘The Bunker.’

Prayers gratefully accepted. – Carson

I may not have the exact day correct, but I have been thinking a lot about my deep close friend Graham Johnston the last few days. It was in 2011 about this time that my friend Graham passed from this life.

I’m missing him a lot these days.

I wish I could talk with him about what Brenda and I are going through with her cancer diagnosis. I’m also missing how much fun we would have mixed of course with passionate discussions about ministry and vision. We longed to make an impact in the world that would glorify God. I miss him because I have recently been communicating with Susan Perlman and Martin Sanders. The four of us with Graham were like the “Rat Pack” of Leighton Ford’s Point Group. Often at our annual gathering we would stay up late into the night talking, laughing, sharing and praying.

Graham was one who would get incredibly passionate (and loud) about certain topics near and dear to his heart. These would include his wife Tracey; Paige and Carson (love that man’s name); “Subi” his church in Perth; his closest friends; preaching; mission work and of course his immediate family.

To Graham, a minister out of touch with today’s culture was like an uninformed missionary trying to teach in a foreign country. He was an amazing communicator and understood that to communicate God’s Word effectively, teachers need to know how to connect with and confront an audience of postmodern listeners. That is what inspired him to write Preaching To A Postmodern World: A Guide to Reaching Twenty-first Century Listeners. His insights written there continue to help speakers and teachers are birthed out of praxis and having been widely travelled.

Despite Grahams enormous influence globally, his legacy means more to me on a very personal level. Our son Jeremy and his wife Shari had the privilege of working with Graham at the church in Perth Australia in 2009. Seeing Graham modelling how to live life as an authentic Christian changed our kids. They returned back to Canada transformed. They loved church and made many friends there. They returned empowered, confidant, inspired, passionate and with a love for those in culture who perhaps would never enter the doors of a church.

As I share some of my friend Graham’s legacy let it be an encouragement to build on our legacy. You can start with some of what I learned from Graham:

• Be passionate about the things you really love and act on it. Get loud.
• Don’t be afraid to express and show your love for others.
• Love your church and let them know that.
• Communicate in a credible way with others about the love of God. Practice it.
• Build into and mentor those younger and empower them with confidence.
• Be generous. Share you time, your home, your resources, and your influence.
• Love your spouse and kids and let others know you do.
• Be authentic.
• Finish well!

So today Graham, I raise a toast to you. Your friendship endures to this day for we are indeed ‘forever friends.”

For Immediate Release:

Carson Pue Steps Down For A Promise

  VANCOUVER, BRITISH COLUMBIA – October 22, 2014. At a crowded, historic, First Baptist Church in the heart of downtown Vancouver, the congregation showed their heart towards Rev. Dr. Carson Pue by gathering around him to pray at the end of both services.

Carson announced that due to his wife Brenda’s cancer diagnosis, he had tendered his resignation as the Executive Director at the church effective the end of October. He has worked alongside senior pastor Darrell Johnson since January 2012 and during this time the church has experienced great favor and blessing.

Pue addressed the church amidst tears with Johnson beside him saying, “Thirty eight years ago I made a promise to Brenda to cherish and hold, in sickness and in health. Well, she needs me to hold her more right now and as result I have resigned as Executive Director…” Carson has cancelled all future speaking events at the present time so together they can focus on her health and their relationship. He and Brenda plan to continue some book projects, as they are able, but most of the time will be spent walking, talking and enjoying time with the family.

Carson and Brenda Pue are known globally for mentoring Christian leaders through the ministry of Arrow Leadership, which they led together since 1996. Brenda left Arrow unexpectedly this January after being diagnosed with stage-four lung cancer. She decided to share her journey of faith while living with cancer on a Caring Bridge journal. With over 70,000 visits, many have been blessed by her authenticity and faith inspiring lessons.

Looking ahead, First Baptist Church has invited Carson to stay on staff in a part-time role as the Executive Advisor for the church’s “Heart for the City Project”. This is an ambitious building initiative in the downtown of Vancouver that will allow the church to enhance ministries of affordable housing, serving the homeless, venue for conferences, coffee shop, a full service counseling center, older adults programs, bookstore library, daycare and family resources in the downtown.

Lilac Hawkey, moderator of First states, “Our church leadership completely supports Carson in this decision, and we are very grateful that he will be continuing to serve our congregation still even in a limited capacity.  We continue to lift both Carson, Brenda, and their whole family up in prayer during this very challenging time.”

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Today is Labour Day in Canada. The first Monday of September and a long weekend holiday. As I sit in my library early this morning I am overwhelmed with joy at the thought that this is day 243 since Brenda’s cancer diagnosis.

Why joy you ask? Simple, Brenda is still with us and very much alive. We are enjoying life together and with our family. In a seemingly irrational manner, there is a new sweetness and depth to our relationship that we understand is perhaps counter intuitive given the circumstances.

We have had a series of good news reports from the oncologist of late. Word that five of the six lesions in her brain are gone and the sixth is in retreat. The mass in her lung has also shrunk and the cancer in her backbone remains in check. The latest scans show no further metastases – no further spreading of the cancer. So we rejoice in this news yet we are still living with cancer.

I can sure understand how the cancer journey causes so many patients and caregivers to suffer depression. It begins with a cumulative crisis of loss and anticipated loss. It is not just the fear of losing a loved one, but there are many other losses experienced along the way. Your life is changed. Things you used to do together, you no longer do. Patterns and responsibilities change. Your diet, sleep patterns, ability to travel, even your financial status all change with a cancer diagnosis.

As new medical appointments begin to fill your calendar it leaves little time for old relationships. People you find life giving are now inhibited from visiting with you because of your physical and emotional ability. Your ability to plan is thrown out the window as your physical stamina and the medical system now have a high degree of control over your schedule. These are all losses and we grieve these.

I have some moments when I catch myself getting caught up with the thought of being without Brenda. Theologically I understand that loss is not the central issue in my feeling sad and depressed, it is my unwillingness to let go. I am attached to Brenda. I love her and desire to be with her. I do not ever want her to leave me but a cancer diagnosis actually forces you to have to talk about ‘what if’ scenarios.

For friends who are not Christians and are in this kind of circumstance, I could see this being a very dark time. What seems like a completely empty life today morphs into an equally meaningless eternity. There is nothing to hope for and so the tendency would be to hold onto the memories and objects of the past. 

But as Christians we are called on to let go of everything that gives us security and cling to Jesus our Lord. Brenda and I know this in our heads, but we have moments when we get as frightened as anyone else at the thought of letting go. 

We become attached to our spouse, our family, our hobbies, our reputation, our ideas, our position, and our dreams. It is painful to think about giving them up ourselves, let alone them being taken away. 

The thought of loss can cause one to become hardened, and rather callous, towards the things we hold dear. It is our way of protecting ourselves from feeling hurt. It would be like me saying, “Oh I didn’t like sailing anyway, and we can sell the boat. I don’t care.” That would not be true. I’m fooling myself. I have great memories from our boat and I will miss her.

Yet central to the gospel is our willingness to let go of everything we cling to that we gain security from and to fully place our trust in Jesus. The closer we draw to God, the less prone to depression we are because fewer things can be taken away from us.

We are studying the book of Philippians right now at our church and in it Paul shares he has learned that in whatever state he finds himself, he will be content. How did he accomplish this? He shares that the things he used to count as ‘gain’ – the things he used to cling to for security – he is willing to let go of. All things were considered lost but for his clinging to God.

Early on in this journey I was praying and God called me by name and asked me to trust him – regardless of the outcome. Since then I have realized that I can trust Him and that life does not stop for our circumstance. I also have learned that there is a healthy sense of letting go of Brenda that I can embrace. It is in this process of letting go of Brenda and all the other ‘losses’ both perceived and real, that I am actually able to free myself to be fully God’s.

Somewhere in the midst of all this, after 243 days, I am coming to grips with the many losses we have already experienced. I am feeling free and trying to be content in our circumstances. But I still cry at the oddest times and without over spiritualizing receive this as part of the body’s natural recovery system.

I listen again for those words, “Carson, Trust me.”

Have you ever had an experience where one bit of information completely changed your life?

That is how 2014 began for me. The first week of January we received a cascading amount of bad news in that our doctor had discovered a mass on Brenda’s lung. Rapid testing afterwards confirmed this was indeed cancerous and had spread to both the brain and lower back.

Since first suspicion, to diagnosis, to telling our family – the news is not getting any better. Our lives have been altered. One minute we were heading in one direction, the next moment we are redirected to an entirely new vector.

So, was God in the previous direction? Is he in the new direction? Answer is that God is in all of it. He is in every aspect of our lives.

What are we learning in this so far? Well we are learning again that He is in control – not us. We are also realizing how empty it must be for people who have no faith to help endure the stress of a diagnosis like Brenda’s. With faith comes community – a relational cadre of fellow Christ followers who live out what Jesus said, that Christians will be identifiable by their love for one another. We are startled by how many people are dropped off at the cancer clinic and sit there all alone throughout their treatments until the taxi picks them up again.

God is bringing comfort to us in many ways. Through the presence of our dear family and closest friends. Through expressions of love and concern from people around the world who are choosing to share in our challenge. Through words of prayer from those who really care. And through God’s Word and especially the Psalms right now.

So whatever you are doing right now, stop and ask yourself how much of your day are you investing in relationships. For the past two weeks Brenda and I have been together 24/7 making our way through the medical tests and the emotional exhaustion of repeating the story over and over to those who ask. In the midst of all this, despite lots of tears, there is an overarching sense of peace.

We are savouring each moment together and it is like we have been given new lenses to view the world around us. “Things” can so easily clutter our lives are just temporary. I can see this now as if a bright spotlight was shining on it. Relationships on the other hand last forever. If this is true then nothing can replace the time we spend investing in the life of another.

Our daughter by marriage, Kristin, established this website where Brenda can journal her journey with God right now. It also allows people who know and love her to write a comment in a guestbook. If you will linger for just a few minutes reading the comments left there you will see how this amazing faith filled woman I am married to has invested in and mentored the lives of hundreds.

Brenda inspires others to  move from focussing on things that are temporal and instead invest in those things that are eternal. How does she do this? By following the inspiring wisdom found in the Word of God

As the Bible says, “Be easy on people; you’ll find life a lot easier. Give away your life; you’ll find life given back, but not merely given back – given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity  begets generosity. (Luke 6:37-38 MSG)

For the next while I am going to use my blog to allow you to join me on my journey alongside Brenda as her adoring husband, BFF and fellow pilgrim. Frequency will be sporadic depending on how things are going here, but the content will be authentic.

Brenda and I wish you a very Happy New Year and wishes for God’s richest blessings in 2014.