The Hidden Struggles of Long-Term Leaders

There’s a chair I’ve sat in more times than I can count. It’s across the table from a leader — sometimes a CEO, sometimes a pastor, sometimes a young executive who just got the promotion they’d been chasing for years. Thirty-some years of mentoring leaders has taught me a lot of things, but one has stayed with me longer than the rest: the leaders who worry me most aren’t the ones just starting out. They’re the ones eighteen, twenty, thirty years in. The ones who started with fire and are now coasting on fumes, or worse, quietly making decisions they never would have made at year five.

Chair across from me

Starting strong is common. Finishing well is not.

Here’s a number that ought to stop every leader in their tracks. Dr. J. Robert Clinton, who spent decades studying leadership in the Bible, once catalogued around a thousand leaders mentioned in Scripture. Of those, he could find enough biographical detail on about a hundred to actually study how their leadership played out. And of that hundred, only about a third finished well.

One third.

Read that again. ONE THIRD!

These aren’t obscure names, either. Clinton’s list of leaders who finished poorly includes Gideon, Samson, Saul, and — this one always lands hard — Solomon. The wisest man who ever lived started with a temple and ended with a thousand wives pulling his heart toward other gods. Meanwhile the ones Clinton identifies as finishing well include Joseph, Caleb, Daniel, and Paul. Same Bible. Same God. Wildly different endings.

What’s the difference? It’s almost never talent. Every name on that “finished poorly” list was gifted. Gideon led an army of three hundred to a wild victory. Saul stood a head taller than everyone and started well enough that Samuel anointed him with genuine hope. Solomon built one of the wonders of the ancient world. Talent was never the problem. Character was.

Six Things that Sink Leaders

Clinton names six things that quietly sink leaders in the back half of their lives: money, power, pride, sexual sin, family neglect, and plateauing — that slow settling into coasting where you stop growing and start just occupying a title. Notice that none of these are dramatic character collapses. They’re erosion. A little compromise here, a little neglect there, a little pride that goes unchecked because nobody close enough to you has permission to name it.

And here’s what struck me studying the leaders who did finish well, like Daniel: it wasn’t one big decision late in life that saved them. It was a handful of ordinary habits, kept up over decades. Daniel kept praying three times a day even when it became illegal and could have gotten him killed — and that was in his eighties. He kept learning, still poring over Jeremiah’s scrolls near the end of his life, still hungry to understand what God was doing. His walk with God in chapter nine reads like a young man’s, not an old statesman’s. Paul, near the end of his own life, sitting in a cold Roman cell, still asked Timothy to bring him his books and his scrolls. Still learning. Still growing. Right up to the end.

What About You?

So what do you actually do with this if you’re the leader in the chair across from me right now? First, get honest about which of Clinton’s six barriers has your name on it. Not your neighbour’s. Yours. Most of us know, if we’re willing to look. Second, find people, plural, who have permission to tell you the truth before it costs you your legacy. Clinton’s research found that leaders who finish well typically had ten to fifteen people who spoke into their lives at key moments. Not one wise mentor. A whole cast of them, appearing at the right seasons. Third, build in seasons of renewal on purpose. Don’t wait for a crisis to force you into stillness with God. And fourth, guard your learning posture. The moment you decide you’ve arrived is roughly the moment you start to drift.

Here’s my question for you today: if someone did Clinton’s kind of research on your life twenty years from now, which list would they put you on?

I can’t answer that for you. Neither can your resume, your platform, or your last performance review. It gets answered in the small, unglamorous choices you’re making this week, the ones nobody’s watching.

I’ve watched enough leaders finish both ways to tell you this much: it’s never too late to change direction. Gideon and Solomon didn’t get a do-over, but you might still have decades left. Begin again with the end in mind. Ask God to search you, keep the people around you who’ll tell you the truth, and keep choosing, day after ordinary day, to finish well.

That’s the whole challenge. Not one dramatic finish line, but ten thousand small ones.

Reflection: Of the six barriers, finances, power, pride, sexual sin, family neglect, or plateauing, which one would the people closest to you say you’re most vulnerable to right now? And who has permission to tell you the truth about it? That is what a good mentor can do.

Grace and courage to you as you keep going,

What the Dog Knows

Murphy doesn’t understand my world. He just trusts me.

(There is a sermon in that.)

Every night, without fail, our wee Murphy, half Maltese and half Yorkshire Terrier, entirely convinced he owns the place, pads across the bedroom floor, climbs up onto the bed, and curls himself into the crook of my legs. He lets out a small sigh, tucks his nose under his tail, and that’s that. He’s home.

Last night I was thinking about what he doesn’t know when he does that.

He doesn’t know what I’m carrying. He has no idea whether the day was good or brutal, whether the conversation I’m replaying went well or sideways, whether the decision I’m sitting with is straightforward or costly. He doesn’t know my theology, my calendar, my concerns. He’s a small dog with a smart mind and an unshakeable confidence that the person he’s curling up with is safe.

That’s not ignorance. That’s trust.

It’s the kind of trust that doesn’t require complete information before it leans in. Murphy has enough. He knows who I am to him — and that’s sufficient. He doesn’t wait until he understands everything about my world before he closes the distance.

I wonder how different that is from the way many of us approach God.

We want resolution before we’ll fully lean in. We want the diagnosis explained, the relationship repaired, the finances stabilised, the path clarified — and then we’ll settle into trust. We treat understanding as the precondition for proximity. But Murphy doesn’t operate that way. He doesn’t need to understand me. He just needs to be near me.

Which brings me to the second thing Murphy teaches me, almost without trying.

He’s not there to ask for anything. He’s not negotiating a treat or positioning for a walk. He’s not presenting a list of needs. He just — comes. The closeness is the whole point. There’s no agenda tucked under those folded paws. Just presence, freely given and fully enjoyed.

I find this quietly convicting. If I’m honest, much of my prayer life is transactional. I come to God with a fairly well-organised list. Which is not wrong — he invites it. But somewhere in the busyness of bringing requests, I can miss the simpler thing: just drawing close.

Murphy never seems to feel he has to earn his place beside me. He doesn’t arrive tentatively, hoping he’ll be tolerated. He comes with a kind of quiet “I belong here” confidence, and settles in. That confidence isn’t arrogance. It’s just the fruit of a relationship that has been consistent.

That’s what I want my approach to God to look like. Not striving to get his attention. Not performing well enough to deserve the access. Just coming. Trusting that he’s good, that I’m known, that the closeness itself is something he welcomes.

There’s a reason the ancient writers kept returning to the image of shelter — of being held, covered, close. It’s not weakness. It’s wisdom. The creature finding its right place beside the one it belongs to.

So here’s my question for you: When did you last come to God with no list? When did you last just draw close? Not to get something resolved. Not to present your case. Just to be near.

Murphy figured this out without any theology at all. Maybe that’s the point.

“Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.” — James 4:8

Thai Wai, Family, Spirits and Kissing

  The Wai Greeting

When we arrived in Thailand we were greeted by people raising both hands, palms touching with the fingers pointing upwards as if in prayer but touching the body somewhere on their head or chest. This called wai – pronounced ‘why’.

The wai is a sign of greeting but also respect in Thai culture. These people are extremely respectful of hierarchical relationships and during our time in Thailand I sensed people we met were trying to place where we fit within a hierarchy so they know how we should be treated.

There are many variations of the wai depending on the difference in status or level. The heights of the palms are the most crucial criteria of respect to be demonstrated to another. The higher the more respect is paid.  Here is a list I found that summarizes the rules for wai:

  • With less important: Thumbs about on breast height.
  • With ones of equal rank: Thumbs about on chin level.
  • With important and older people: Thumbs on level of the upper lip.
  • With very important people: Thumbs on level of the nose tip.
  • With monks (and members of the royal family): Thumbs on level of the eyebrows.

Family


When Bob and I came through security at the Chiang Mai airport, we received a different kind of welcome. My niece Christy and her husband Cahtaw were there to greet us with their children Isaiah and Celina. They were all excited to see Uncle Carson. There was no questioning where we fit in a hierarchy – we were family.

No wai here – just lots of hugs.

Family seems to be the cornerstone that holds Thai society together. It reminds me of Ireland where family relationships are more closely knit than in most western cultures.

However, in Thailand, as with most Asian cultures, there is a strong hierarchy within the family structure with males and older individuals occupying a higher status. The role of the wife is to be passive and to adhere to husband’s family, be subservient to the male, take care of the home, and to have children (preferably sons). The role of the male is to provide for the family however the primary duty is to be a good son; obligations to be a good husband and father come second to duty as a son.

Present and the Past – at the same time

Now it is one thing to live with this in the present, but in Thailand you see many ‘spirit houses’ on display outside homes. I found this interesting because Buddhism dominates Thailand and yet spirit worship (animism) are found side by side. In Thailand devotion to Buddhism most often shows itself in ritual within a temple while Thai devotion to spirits most often shows itself in their own front yards. There can be a statue of Buddha in the doorway and a spirit house outside.

It is not uncommon for Thai’s to worship the spirits of ancestors and therefore live in a constant “past present” time orientation. So this ‘respect’ for family members can transcend even death. I witnessed people give wai towards a spirit house in respect of the ancestor or spirit they thought was occupying the house.

It is for reasons like this that Christian believers in Thailand have questions about whether they should use the wai or respond when waied (if that is a word?). It can symbolize belief in spirits or be viewed as an act of worship – hence the problem. This is perhaps a topic for a separate blog, let me instead get back to familial hierarchy.

I have been pondering this as a follower of Jesus, and as a leader in a multi-ethnic church where we are trying to create community in the heart of the city. Hierarchy does not flow from the mandate and example of Jesus. He emphasizes servant leadership – “first shall be last” modelling.

The doctrine of the Trinity itself – three equal while different persons – challenges hierarchical structures of power. The word hierarchy is not found anywhere in the New Testament. So is it right for Asian Christians, or Irish Christians for that matter to place more importance of family and hierarchy than on what Jesus desires for us?

More pondering required on this.

Wai/Kiss

In other countries where Bob and I have visited we have been greeted with a “holy kiss”. In South America, people are fairly tactile: they hug and kiss (on the cheek) and hold hands all the time. This men-kissing-men takes a lot of getting used to, especially for us reserved Canadians.

In Peru they kissed twice, once on each cheek, and in Argentina it was three times – a formulae I always seemed to get wrong. Do you go for the right cheek, the left cheek? Do you hold back and wait? Do you lunge and embarrassingly kiss mid-air or bump heads? It was safer in Kuwait. There, kissing outside the home can land you in jail for a week, but then again so can driving a jet ski inside a little red buoy – but that is another story. 🙂

While I loved the graceful gesture of the wai in Thailand, it will not be a practice I am encouraging back home.

I think we need to kiss more.

God. Come back again next year.

Indians love elephants.

Everywhere you look, shops, police office, banks, our hotel – you see statues like this:

It is a representation of Ganesha. Of all the gods collectively in Hinduism – this one is definitely the favorite.

This elephant god is worshipped in a big way for ten days once every year. Ganesha is not really what I would call attractive. He has the head of an elephant on which is perched this tiara. Add to that four podgy hands joined to a sizeable belly with each hand holding a symbolic object.  My graduate degree was in Religious Studies with Dr. Irving Hexham and I am looking forward to getting back to my library to read up on what all those symbols mean.

Apparently Ganesha is god of new beginnings and commonly worshipped as the supreme god of wisdom, prosperity and good fortune. People are encouraged to worship him early in the morning, offer him some sweets and ask him to remove all obstacles in your way.

“A Hindu would not think of starting anything without first paying homage to the elephant god,” said my host. “Starting a new job, opening a business, before a big trip – anything that is new.”

He continued, “There is a festival each year and for ten days the people have statues made and at the end of the time there is a big processional through the streets and people carry them into the sea.”

When the large processional statue is immersed in the sea it is to symbolize a farewell to the god as he is going off  to his “abode” in Kailash. As he goes he is taking away the misfortunes (sin) of his worshippers.

Come back again next year

Now, what I found interesting is that the festival ends with all the worshippers splashing water and calling out essentially, “Come back again next year.”

So for 51 weeks of the year they are basically godless. (Hmmm that seems convenient.)

When I think about my experience as a follower of Jesus of Nazareth and that of those worshipping Ganesha the contrasts are interesting. In my opinion I think the average Hindu must feel a little hopeless. They are dependent on their own works to escape from “samsara” that endless cycle of rebirths, where I as a Christian experience a life of hope and assurance of my salvation. Now. Today.

I also know one God who cares deeply for me. With the vast plurality of gods and goddesses, Hinduism offers a very impersonal ‘Brahman‘ (the ultimate reality underlying all phenomena). Add to this that Hinduism views ALL living things as manifestations of Brahman therefore humans have no individual self and no self-worth.  Christianity worships God who not only created mankind, but also gave us free will.  He cares deeply for us, and places a huge amount of worth on you and I as His creation.

There is simply too much to be added to this discussion, and I need to get back home to the Trinity Knot Library and talk to Dr. Hexham to refresh my knowledge, but let me close with this. Salvation for the Hindu is the release from the wheel of life, the cycle of rebirths, through which they must work to better themselves, and realize our oneness with Brahman which is Nirvana.  It is work and must be carried out by each individual through successive lives. Since “sin” is committed only against oneself, the penalties are accrued only against the self.  The penalty is the repeated cycle of rebirths

Salvation for the Christian is a free gift to us from God.  We only have to accept it.  We cannot earn it.  No amount of work will change it. Jesus bought our salvation by taking all our sin upon Himself on the cross, dying as a sacrifice for us, and then rising from the dead three days later.  It was a one time act. Salvation means spending eternity with our Almighty God and we can start living like that today.

If I was starting something new, I’m not going to be taking the idea to an elephant god that is only present ten days a year.

“And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” – Jesus (Matthew 28.20)

Doppelgängers and Recognition

Doppelgängers

The TV sitcom “How I Met Your Mother” has popularized the use of the word “Doppelgänger” as a term to describe finding a ‘double,’ an erie but awesome look alike. It is a word that causes you to use both lips and tongue to say it aloud and makes you want to smile just saying it. The TV sitcom uses it to describe finding a look alike of their friends such as Vancouver actress Cobie Smulders who plays television reporter Robin Scherbatsky, also a Canadian. Take for example Cobie Smulder (Robin), Kirstie – my son’s girlfriend, and Meghan Fox. Given the right hairstyle and pose – very similar.

Robin

In my travels I frequently come across strangers who look like someone I know. Over the years have used these occurences as a prompt to pray for my friends. Now I have  name for it. I have recently expanded my travel game to include taking a photo of the doppelgänger and then sending it to my friend with the location of where I am at the time and a note to say that I paused to pray for them.

Doppleganger David

Recently I noticed a fellow in the balcony of a church in New York that looked like my friend David – and I paused to pray for him.

In an airport I saw a fellow that reminded me of my friend Eli Hernadez so I also offered up a prayer for him. (Interestingly I received a Blackberry message from him just minutes later.)

This little reminder to pray has increased my intercession for others – and it is fun. Try it.

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Recognition

I knocked on the door then opened it announcing my arrival with “Hello” with the ‘..lo’ drawn out and sounding musical.

“Gampa.Gampa” came squeals of delight accompanied by the sound of feet running towards me. My two ‘walking’ grandsons, Landon (3) and Liam (1) rushed towards me. Landon imitating the moves of a hockey player with his socks sliding on the wood floor and Liam walking carefully – trying not to smile so broadly that his soother would fall out – with his arms upheld . This is the universal sign language for ‘pick me up and hug me Grandpa’.

Simply the sound of my voice was enough recognition for us to embrace in this little love-fest at the door.

Don’t we love being recognized by those who love us?

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Recognized By Your Love

“By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” —John 13:35

This was the test Jesus said would distinguish his followers. We would be recognized by our love for one another. The Bible gets more specific on the ‘love’ we are to show.  To present or show this ‘love’ succinctly we are instructed  “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

Howard Lawrence and I had a chance to hang out together in Phoenix and I enjoyed discussing neighborhoods. He is an Arrow leader who directs the Neighbourhood Life emphasis of Forge particularly attending to what God is up to in our neighborhoods.

Who is your neighbor?

The word comes to us from an old english term, nēahgebūr – from nēah [nigh, near] + gebūr [inhabitant]. There is no way of dodging the fact that if you are a follower of Jesus you should be known by your love, and we must be engaged in loving those who live near you.

In our developing of leaders in the Arrow Leadership Program we remind them of this need for recognition by love, and add that our ‘first neighbor’ is actually your family – spouse and children, parents, siblings, nieces, nephews – and of course grandchildren.

Howard and I reflected on how the actions and expectations of ‘the church’ frequently mitigate against our doing just that.  It has left me reflecting on how Arrow might encourage Christian leaders to engage their personal communities and empower those they influence to do the same. A key to this being successful is that those who engage their neighbors are spiritually formed by Christ – mature and transparent enough to handle the love.

What do you think? I’d like reading your thoughts.

Would your neighbors say that you are a doppelgänger for Jesus?