What Every Child Needs from Us

I’m often asked about our family. People comment on my sons, my relationship with my “daughters,” and how much they enjoy watching me as “Grandpa.” Many say, “The Pue family seem so close—what’s your secret?”

Before I go any further, let me say this: I truly believe we’re a great family—a clann, as we Irish like to call it. Not a perfect one, of course—we know that well, and we’re not afraid to admit it. But there’s something special about the way we come together, support one another, and carry forward the values that have shaped us. It’s a bond I cherish deeply and one that continues to inspire me every day.

As I look at other families I admire—and as I’ve watched generations grow—I’ve come to see that children don’t become healthy, whole adults by accident. They’re shaped day by day by the environment we create around them. The home is their first classroom in life and love. And though every child is wonderfully different, there are six essentials I believe each one needs to thrive: security, love, intimacy, affection, significance, and affirmation.

I approach this with a deep sense of humility, as it touches on my sons and the principles that have shaped their lives. It’s impossible to reflect on this without acknowledging their mother, Brenda, whose influence was profound. She modelled these principles so beautifully and consistently before her passing, leaving a legacy that continues to inspire us all.

At the time of writing, Jon, Kirstie, and their two children are living with us, giving us the privilege of witnessing these principles in action within their little family. I also see this same legacy reflected in the lives of Jason and Kristin, Jeremy and Shari, and their families. It’s a joy to watch how these values ripple outward, shaping the lives of all my grandchildren in unique and meaningful ways. As a mentor at heart, I feel drawn to reflect on and share some learnings from our family’s journey. I do so with deep respect and gratitude for the love and lessons that have shaped us. So, here are six principles to reflect on.

1. Security – Tells them “You are safe.“

A child’s world can feel uncertain and unpredictable. They need to know that home is a place where love doesn’t walk out the door.

How to nurture it:

Keep your word. If you promise to show up—do it. Reliability builds trust that will echo into adulthood.
Stay calm in conflict. When they make mistakes, respond with steadiness instead of anger. Your reaction teaches them whether love depends on behaviour or is rooted in grace.

2. Love – Let’s them know “You are wanted.“

Love is more than words; it’s attention and presence. Children feel loved not when we tell them, but when they experience it through our focus.

How to nurture it:

Be fully present. Put down the phone, make eye contact, and listen. It says, “You matter more than my distractions.”
Build small rituals. Bedtime chats, morning hugs, shared meals—simple rhythms that remind them daily of your affection.

3. Intimacy – Provides the promise “You can be known.“

True intimacy means being known and accepted as you are. Children need to experience that transparency is safe. When we allow ourselves as parents to be known it teaches that honesty, not perfection, is the pathway to relational connection.

How to nurture it:

Share your story. Let them see your humanity. Tell them about times you were afraid or failed and what you learned.
Listen before you fix. Often, children need empathy, not answers. When you sit with them in their feelings, they learn that emotions are not weaknesses but signals.

4. Affection – Let your son or daughter know, “You are cherished.”

A hug, a hand on the shoulder, a soft word—these small gestures tell a child, “You are loved and enjoyed.” I have mentored adults who have grown up in families without affection, and they are very guarded. However, children who experience affection tend to thrive!

How to nurture it:

Show warmth often. Affection shouldn’t only follow achievement; give it freely and often.
Use gentle tone. The way we speak can either open or close a child’s heart.

5. Significance – Let them know “They matter.”

Every child needs to know they have value and that their life contributes to something larger than themselves. When a son or daughter knows they matter, they develop a sense of purpose that can carry them through life.

How to nurture it:

Give real responsibility. Invite them to help with meaningful tasks, not just token chores. Contribution builds belonging.
Recognize character. Instead of only praising results, affirm traits like kindness, perseverance, and honesty.

6. Affirmation – “They have what it takes.”

Affirmation is the voice that says, “You can do this.” It shapes courage and resilience. With repetition, it builds confidence that will serve them long after they’ve left the home. For more on this, check out the Mentored Podcast Episode 04.

How to nurture it:

Be specific. Swap “Good job” for “I saw how patient you were with your sister.” Real encouragement is rooted in observation.
Catch them doing right. Don’t let correction dominate your communication. Children rise to the level of our belief in them.

Affirmation builds an inner voice of confidence that will serve them long after they’ve left your home.

Final Thought

Parenting is sacred work. We don’t get it perfect—but we can get it right over time. What matters most isn’t perfection; it’s presence, consistency, and grace.

When children grow up surrounded by security, love, intimacy, affection, significance, and affirmation, they carry a deep sense of wholeness into the world. They know who they are and Whose they are.

God, in His perfect fatherhood, models every one of these traits. He is our security when life shakes. His love never wavers. He knows us intimately, delights in us with affection, gives our lives significance, and speaks affirmation over us daily through His Word.

As we reflect His nature in our parenting, we give our children not only a picture of healthy humanity—but a glimpse of divine love.

So take heart, parents. The seeds you plant in love today will bear fruit for generations.

Celebrating Landon’s Graduation: A Journey of Love and Grief

Today was one of those days with a lot of emotion that I didn’t see coming.

Landon graduated from high school and his ceremony was a highlight for me. Watching him walk across that stage, diploma in hand, confidence radiating from his steady steps, was heart-stirring. He has worked so hard to get here and carried a heavier course load than he needed. His determination, faith, and kind heart shone brightly. With awards in his hand and being selected Student of the Year and Valedictorian, pride doesn’t even begin to cover how I felt watching him take this big step forward. It was one of those moments where time seemed to freeze.

Sitting there watching Landon, I thought about how proud Brenda, Landon’s Grammy, would be. Landon’s not just graduating from high school; he’s stepping into all the potential she always saw in him. As I prayed for him Sunday morning, I almost heard her voice, “Keep cheering him on! This is just the beginning.”

Like all significant moments in life, today wasn’t simple. I felt a pang of nostalgia mixed with my joy today. It’s funny how, as parents or grandparents, we tend to see not just who they are in front of us but all they’ve been up until now. I remembered a toddler who used to tweak a door stopper spring and then laugh hysterically, now stepping into a new chapter of his own life. And as proud as I felt, my thoughts circled back to Brenda. Brenda would have been beaming – no question about it. She had this knack for showing pride so big it made others feel like they were in the spotlight too. She wasn’t just a cheerleader; she was the sort of person who made you feel capable of greatness.

His Grammy for sure would’ve been the loudest one at his grad ceremony. I know she would’ve risen out of her seat, hollering “Yay LANDY!” with complete abandon, the way only she could. I could almost hear her laugh and see that proud smile she reserved for moments like this.

Brenda would’ve adored who he’s becoming. She always had a way of spotting potential in others before it even had the chance to bloom, and there’s no doubt she saw that in Landon. I imagine her pulling him aside after the ceremony and saying something wise but laced with humour, just to remind him to stay grounded. And then she’d hug him, hug him tight, but he never minded that.

It’s no stretch to say Brenda played a big role in shaping our family’s legacy of love, persistence, and belief in one another. Her presence, even years after she passed, is still such a grounding force. She had a way of making the ordinary feel extraordinary, something I often see reflected in Landon. Watching him cross that stage, I thought about how proud she would’ve been—not just for the tassel turn or his speech but for what it represented. Graduations aren’t just academic milestones; they’re about persistence, growth, and stepping into the unknown with courage.

Going into church today, I tried to share my feelings with Jason and Kristin (Landon’s mom and dad). I thought I could describe the thankfulness and gratitude I’d been pouring out to God for their son, but as I started to speak, the words caught in my throat. The tears came suddenly. It was as though everything hit me at once. The pride, the missing piece, the tender reminder that grief and joy often exist together. You think you’re okay, that you’ve processed everything, and then a moment comes, a memory, and it’s like the Grief Committee decided to hold an unannounced meeting right as I walked into a church full of people.

My wife, Glenda, gently reminded me that this wasn’t just a graduation; it was another “first” on my grief journey. Landon is the first grandchild to graduate since Brenda, passed. Her absence, though not mentioned explicitly, was very much present.

Brenda would have loved all this. Oh, how she would have loved it. She was a woman who celebrated every milestone with gusto, whether it was as small as a child learning to tie their skates or as significant as a graduation moment like this. She had a way of making people feel deeply seen and wildly capable.

I see her in Landon today—not just in his accomplishments but in the way he carried himself. His focus, his kindness, his groundedness. These were all qualities she nurtured in him whenever they were together. She had this ability to look right into people’s hearts and remind them of God’s goodness already living there.

Glenda’s gentle words this morning stayed with me all day. This was a “first” without Grammy, yes, but it was also a moment to carry her legacy forward. And we did—we laughed and celebrated the way she would have, and, yes, cried just like she might’ve if she’d been with us.

The truth is, grief wears so many faces. Some days, it feels like a weight you can’t lift. Other days, it’s a quiet shadow, lingering at the edges of even your happiest moments. And some days, like today, it melts into the moments you hold dear, reminding you that the best way to honour the love you’ve lost is to allow it to continue shaping your life. At the graduation party, I was overwhelmed by a mixture of emotions I hadn’t entirely prepared for. There was the evident pride in Landon. There was gratitude for Glenda, who saw connections and truths I missed. And there were bittersweet and unrelenting tears that spoke to how deeply Brenda’s life continues to resonate with our family.

If there was a single takeaway from today, it’s the reminder that life’s significant “firsts” will always nudge us to reflect. They show us how far we’ve come, who we’ve loved, and how much we carry them forward. And sometimes, like on the way into church, those reflections come with raw emotion we can’t hold back.

For Landon, this event was monumental. For us, his family, it was, too, because it gave us a chance to remember, celebrate, and love in the ways Brenda would have championed. Landon’s future is bright—Glenda and I can see it just as clearly as Brenda would have. And as we cheer him on to the next step in his life, I can’t help but hope that we all find moments to celebrate the people we love. Whether you’re marking a milestone, supporting someone through their “first,” or just choosing to reach out, remember that these efforts shape the legacies we leave.

And for those of you who, like me, still find yourself caught off guard by the layers of grief, I’ll offer this piece of what I learned today. Give yourself grace when joy and sadness mingle. Feel it all, knowing that love doesn’t just disappear when someone is gone; it transforms and continues, carried forward in moments like these. Today was one of those moments—for Landon, for Brenda, and for all of us.

Embracing Love: A Grandfather’s Reunion with His Grandson

There are certain threads of connection that weave hearts together in a dance of love and understanding. For me, this was found in a touching reunion I had with my six-year-old grandson, a moment that tugged at my emotions and stirred the depths of my soul.

Walking up to his school, the air electric with anticipation, I awaited the moment that would reunite us. As I laid eyes on him, his face lit up with recognition and joy, and in an instant, time seemed to stand still. He ran towards me, and our embrace spoke volumes, a language of love that transcended words.

Our bond is special, forged from shared moments of laughter, making movies, reading books, whispered secrets, and unfiltered honesty. It’s a bond that defies explanation, rooted in unconditional love and mutual respect. In his presence, I find a mirror reflecting back the essence of life’s simplicity and beauty.

It’s a bond that defies explanation, rooted in unconditional love and mutual respect.

There’s something magical about the connection between a grandfather and grandson. It’s a blend of wisdom passed down through generations and the fresh perspective of a child. Together, we navigate the world, each learning from the other in a dance of give and take.

Picking him up from school was not just a task; it was a journey back to our shared memories and the promise of new adventures. In his innocent gaze, I see the purity of a soul unburdened by the world’s complexities, and it fills me with hope.

As we walked hand in hand, I pondered on the essence of our bond. Perhaps it’s the shared laughter, the stories told, or simply the comfort of knowing that we are there for each other no matter what. Whatever it may be, it’s a bond that transcends time, distance, and circumstance.

As we walked hand in hand, I pondered on the essence of our bond. Perhaps it’s the shared laughter, the stories told, or simply the comfort of knowing that we are there for each other no matter what.

Reuniting with my grandson reminds me of the beauty of simple connections and the power of love to bridge generations. In his laughter, I find joy; in his eyes, I see the promise of tomorrow. Together, we journey through life, guided by a bond that is as timeless as it is profound.

May this weekend reunion serve as a reminder of love, illuminating the path ahead with warmth, wisdom, and the enduring bond that ties us together — grandfather and grandson, united in heart and spirit.

Let me encourage you to seek out and embrace the moments that matter, cherish the bonds that bind, and revel in unconditional love that knows no bounds.

When Your Adult Children Move Away: Coping and Adjusting

As two of my adult children, Jon and Kirstie, packed up their lives and moved away with my youngest grandkids, I felt a profound sense of loss. The sound of laughter and pattering feet that filled our home just days ago now echoes in the distance. However, amid the sadness, I couldn’t help but marvel at the incredible adventure unfolding before them. Witnessing my children embrace new opportunities and navigate this chapter with faith in God evoked a mixture of pride and wistfulness within me.

Embracing Loss and Change:

When they first told us that they were going to move to Alberta, I was crushed. Then overnight, I realized that I had done the exact same thing to my parents – moving away with their grandchildren. I just had no idea how it felt. Jon and Kirstie sold their home and moved in with us for the last month and a half before their big move. Their presence during the Christmas season was truly a blessing. It was a joy to have them here, allowing us precious moments with the grandchildren. And once the little ones were tucked in bed, we cherished fireside conversations as adults. Now that they have left, the void seems greater and closer to home.

Despite the sadness that arises from their moving away, there is also some peace in knowing that love knows no bounds.
That’s from me but only after Glenda reminded me of this

At least today we have technology that can also help maintain a strong emotional connection, allowing for regular video calls, virtual story time, or even playing online games together. We can still create lasting memories and a sense of continuing closeness despite the physical separation. It made me sad to think how my parents only had a telephone landline when we moved away, and that was back when long-distance calls were very expensive.

Embracing change when your adult children move away can be a daunting and emotional experience. It’s natural to feel a sense of emptiness and loss, but it’s also an opportunity for growth and self-discovery. Instead of focusing on the void left behind, I am going to try to consider embracing this transition as a chance to strengthen relationships with family and loved ones who are still nearby. This change is not an end but a new chapter.

By writing this blog I am coaching myself. It has been cathartic and thanks for reading this far.

If I were sitting across the desk from me wearing a mentor hat, I would suggest, “Use this time to reflect on the relationship you’ve had together and celebrate the memories while looking forward to visiting them in their new home. Embrace this change with hope, fostering an attitude of gratitude for the shared experiences and excitement for the opportunities that lie ahead.

But wait! You’re taking the grandkids??

I told my son that I didn’t really care if they moved away, but they should not be allowed to take my grandchildren.
Me, only half-joking

Grandchildren moving away is an emotionally challenging experience, as the bond between grandparent and grandchild is often deep and cherished. Roland and I are like a dynamic duo, and Glenda and Brooklyn are joined at the hip most of the time. Faith in the strength of this connection can provide comfort during times of transition and change. It’s important to nurture that love through ongoing communication and intentional efforts to stay connected despite physical distance.

Despite the sadness that may arise from their moving away, it’s possible to find peace in knowing that love knows no bounds. Embracing new technology can also help maintain a strong emotional connection, allowing for regular video calls, virtual story time, or even online games together. The impact of such efforts can be profound, creating lasting memories and a sense of continuing closeness despite the physical separation.

As the moving day approached, Grandpa and Grandma found themselves grappling with a mix of emotions. Our hearts are brimming with love for our grandchildren Roland and Brooklyn, yet a heaviness settles in at the thought of being physically distanced. Yet, in moments of quiet reflection, I can hold on with faith to the unbreakable connection we have. While distance may alter the dynamics of our relationship with the grandchildren, it cannot diminish the depth of love that binds us together. Love knows no bounds. True relationships withstand any obstacle.

Family Dynamic

Their departure has marked a seismic shift in our family dynamic. For the last many years, we have all lived within ten minutes of each other. Jon, Kirstie, Jason and Kristin lived literally across the street from each other and just four minutes away from us. So as they embarked on a new chapter of their lives, the family rhythms of daily life were disrupted, leaving an undeniable void in our midst. Late-night dog walks with brothers, Fire Nights, borrowing needed food items, having the kids drop over, all family meals, playtime with the cousins, everything is different now.

I suspect some initial shaking of the ground underneath us all, but I believe we can expect a subtle undercurrent of hope to emerge. In their absence, we may also discover some untapped reservoirs of resilience and unity within ourselves, anchoring us as we navigate uncharted waters as a family.

Jeremy: “I have never not lived in the same city as my brother.”

Me: “Well, there was a time that you lived in Perth Australia and Jon lived in Belfast, Northern Ireland?”

Jeremy: “Well yeah okay, but that wasn’t for that long and we stayed in touch. I remember that there was a wierd hour when the time zones worked for us to talk on Skype.”
Recent Conversation with Jeremy

Jon and Kirstie’s departure marked a shift in our family dynamic, but it also opened doors to newfound connections and experiences. Perhaps this separation was necessary for both their personal growth and mine. As they ventured off following a calling for a unique ministry with youth and pursuing career opportunities in different surroundings, I found myself reflecting on my own capacity for adaptation and resilience. It is much easier to do this when you are younger. Despite the bittersweet emotions that come with seeing your loved ones depart, there’s an undeniable beauty in witnessing their journey unfold.

Amidst the echoes of their laughter still lingering in our hearts, we found solace in the unshakeable foundation of faith that has always bound us together. Their departure became a catalyst for introspection and growth, prompting us to reevaluate and redefine what it truly means to be a family. Through this transformative process, we unearthed a newfound appreciation for the precious moments shared and embraced with renewed fervour the potential for burgeoning connections with one another.

Just before Christmas, I went out with my daughters to the Hallmark Christmas Movie set. They film a lot of their Christmas movies here; in fact, many are filmed right in our neighbourhood. After wandering around enjoying the Christmas decorations, we went out for supper. While having supper, I asked Kirstie what she was thinking of doing in terms of staying in touch with Kristin and Shari. She responded succinctly, “I am going to be very intentional.”

“I am going to be very intentional.”
Kirstie

Staying in touch with family is crucial for maintaining strong and meaningful relationships. In today’s fast-paced world, it can be easy to get caught up in our busy lives and neglect this important aspect of our lives. However, it is important to remember that family is a source of love, support and comfort, and we must make an effort to stay connected with them.

So what can we do to stay in touch?

One practical suggestion for staying in touch with family is to schedule regular check-ins or catch-up sessions. This could be through video calls, phone calls, or even sending letters or emails. By setting aside specific times to connect with our loved ones, we are showing them that they are a priority in our lives.

Additionally, utilizing technology can also help bridge the distance between family members who may live far away. Social media platforms, messaging apps, and free video conferencing tools have made it easier than ever to stay connected with loved ones regardless of geographic location.

However, it is important to note that simply relying on technology is not enough. We must also make the effort to physically visit and spend quality time with our family members whenever possible. Glenda and I are already planning our first trip out to visit and see their new house. We have also been in the practice of planning a regular family vacation (Puecation).

Perhaps the bottom line is this: Staying in touch with family requires intentionality and effort. Let us not take these relationships for granted and make the effort to nurture them. By doing so, we will strengthen our bonds as family members and create lasting memories that will enrich our lives.

By setting aside specific times to connect with our loved ones, we are showing them that they are a priority in our lives.
Carson Pue

PS. April 8-11, 2024, Glenda and I are facilitating a retreat called “Better with Age” at the beautiful Barnabas Landing on Keats Island. As I have been writing this, I’ve thought that this could be a valuable topic for parents experiencing similar transitions. The retreat provides a forum for Baby Boomers to share experiences and practical advice, creating a supportive community. We could also talk about what we can do in preparation for our children leaving. What do you think?

https://barnabaslanding.com/retreats/betterwithage

Jon, Kirstie, Ro and Brooklyn, we are excited about your new adventure and how God is going to work through you and your relationships there. Each day that passes is another day closer to seeing you again, and that thought brings me comfort. And remember, we are only a text message away.

Praying This Phoenix Rises From The Ashes

Spring Break

Each year I want to remember to avoid air travel during Spring Break – but I forget. I got the reminder this morning when I was circling the parking lot like a red tailed hawk seeking a car to come out of a space like a gopher out of its hole.

The airports check in, security and boarding all confirmed – it was a school holiday. Children followed mom and dad throughout the lineups excited – wherever they were headed.

While going through security I could not find my noise cancelling headphones – my oasis of silence for flights. The instrument that I use to ensure I get lots of work done – missing. A faint memoric photo flash between synapses with an image of it sitting on my home office desk. A text message from son number three confirmed my fears “dad bose is on your office chair.” I realized I ‘d switched cases also leaving behind my backup – ear bud headphones. This was going to be a noisy flight. I was flying to Phoenix, the city that takes its name from the ancient Greek mythical firebird that rises again from it’s ashes after death.

Andrea and Ben

Beside me sat a brother and sister, Ben and Andrea. They were flying on their own for Spring Break to be with their mother in Phoenix. Ben was fifteen, Andrea just turned thirteen.

To look at them, Ben looked about two years younger than his chronological age while Andrea was trying to look five years older. Lulu-lemon athletic-wear accented by a Coach purse – she was acquainted with quality, and somebody was buying it for her. Ben was equally decked out with more electronic gadgets than I carry and it took him only seconds to get the two of them set up to watch a couple of episodes of Glee on DVD. They even had dual headphones (he writes with his head bowed in a mourning position.)

Andrea was sweet, polite, attractive and obviously not a traveling amateur. She reminded me of another Andrea I knew from our church years ago – a wonderful girl. Ben was one of the most polite young men I’ve encountered, often looking you right in the eye and saying ‘thank you.’ You can tell these two have done this travel thing before – several times. However, throughout the flight there were several behaviors that made me go ‘hmmmm.’ They seemed very close. Andrea often placed her hand on Ben’s shoulder or arm during turbulence and Ben was extremely gentle and kind to her, stepping up to the role of being her big brother.

Glee

The Glee episode ended and they ejected the DVD from the laptop.

“Who is your favorite singer on Glee?” I asked Andrea. Suddenly with bright blue eyes and full engagement she talked nonstop about her favorite songs, actors and episodes with Ben adding color commentary occasionally. I think she was thrilled to find an adult who knew anything about the show – we were new best friends. The two of them asked to be excused to use the lavatory – as I say, they were very polite.

On returning Andrea commented to Ben that she was hot so she removed her colorful logoed hoodie and rolled up the sleeves of her t-shirt. As she got settled in her seat she inadvertently exposed the lower side of her arm. It was covered with razor blade cuts – twenty to thirty on each arm in an array of patterned chaos. I looked away at first, not wanting to embarrass her. But then minutes later while typing on my laptop I asked, “How long have you been cutting?” – my eyes still looking at my screen.

The Conversation

You could tell she was looking at me, even Ben leaned forward, but was silent.

“Since I turned twelve” she said. I just kept typing.

“Why?” I quizzed.

“Well it is better than taking drugs” she responded with a confidence beyond her years.

“I suppose, but Andrea ‘why’ did you start cutting?”

“Other girls at my school do it too” the tone getting defensive. I closed the lid on my laptop making it suddenly darker in our row. Ben had turned away like he didn’t want to hear our conversation.

“Andrea, I’m a father – even a grandfather.” I backed this up by showing her photos of my sons, daughters and grandsons amidst lots of ‘Ahs.’

“I am just wanting to understand why a sharp, gifted, intelligent young woman like yourself would turn to cutting?”

“What difference does it make?” she asked, not in a defiant manner, but honestly wondering why it should matter what she does.

“I’m a mentor. That is what I do for a living, I mentor leaders – and I actually see a lot of leadership characteristics in you. So if you will allow me to put on a mentor hat for a minute, let me ask you a few questions?”

“Okay” Andrea replied just as Ben leaned forward and started listening again.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” Ben laughed softly as I asked.

“No, I just turned thirteen you know.” replied Andrea, slightly embarrassed.

“Do you ever see yourself in a relationship with a boy – having a boyfriend?”

“Of course I do … he is going to be good looking, rich, fun to be with and knows where he is going in life.”

“Wow, you have your wish list established” She smiled at my response.

“Andrea, what type of girl do you think a young man like that would be attracted to?”

“Someone good looking and fun” she quipped knowing she had those two nailed.

“Sure those are two traits most would put on their list, but let me tell you what I have observed as a father of three boys – boys that would probably fit your criteria. They talked to me a lot more about finding a girl who was authentic, secure in herself, one who is honest and a good communicator and – get ready for the next one..” I paused while smiling. “Wait for it.. My boys were also looking for a gal who found security somewhere else – someone not totally dependent a boyfriend.”

“What? I don’t understand, what kind of security? I feel secure.”

“Do you? I’m talking about the kind of security you can get perhaps from your family, or from God.”

She looked at me, still fully engaged but obviously processing what I had just said. “My family is a disaster. (She avoided my God mention) My mom left us to live with her boyfriend because she found out about my dad’s girlfriend. Then they got divorced and my brother and I have to keep going to visit her cause she moved to Phoenix. My dad has to work extra hard now to pay her and he tries to make it up to us by buying us things.”

“Not that that is bad” Ben said cradling his new iPad.

“So is that ‘why’?” I referred Andrea back to my earlier question.

“I don’t know” she replied with a long drawn out ‘knooooow’, “but tell me about your boys.”

“Well what I am trying to share is that if I were your mentor I would be wanting you to achieve your goal of finding a nice boyfriend. I’d tell you that while cutting might give you a momentary high, it has left you all marked up. This will create temporary sympathy from some young men, but my guess is that the kind of boyfriend you would ‘like’ to have would actually be attracted to you in many ways but scared away by your cutting.”

Andrea rebutted, “Well I just won’t let him see.”

“Oh so you choose to not be authentic, to not reveal who you really are. That doesn’t win a man’s heart. Sounds like relational cheating is part of your family history, you don’t want to continue that pattern do you? Stuff like that gets passed on for generations.”

“Why do you care?” Andrea asked. She was wanting an answer, not fighting me.

Jurassic Park

“I care for you because God cares for you. You see Andrea I am a follower of Jesus, and my boys and I, we actually find out security in Him.”

Andrea and Ben stared at me like they had just looked in the rear view mirror of that SUV in the movie Jurassic Park. They didn’t say anything – just stared. I wondered if I had stepped over some invisible line. In their silence I asked, “You have heard of Jesus, right?” worried at what they might say given the look on their faces.

They didn’t answer as the wheels dropped on the aircraft and we entered the steep descent of final approach. “Well listen, there are over 2.1 billion men, women, teens and children around the world that would tell you what I want you to know. Jesus loves you and does want a relationship with you. He wants you to know that you can find your security in Him – He will not let you down.” I wrote out the name and email of Lia, an Arrow leader in Phoenix, who would be a perfect person to talk to if she wanted a break from her Mom’s situation. Lia could help Andrea with the encouragement to take next steps forward. I pray this dear phoenix can be raised up from the ashes of her life through a new relationship with Jesus.

As we stood amidst the busyness of disembarking Ben looked back at me saying, “Hey, thanks” with a grateful smile. Andrea was quiet and looking cared for with that ‘how did this conversation ever happen?’ look. I was grateful I didn’t have my noise canceling headphones on.

Resources:

My friend and Arrow leader Brett Ullman shared these resources with me after reading the blog. – CP

http://www.yourstory.info – stories of students / parents who struggle with Self-injury

http://brettullman.com – a DVD called “Your Story: the wounding embrace” which is an hour talk on this subject. Not just information but what to we do if it is us who is struggling or if it is someone we live.

Books.

Marv Penner – Hope and Healing for Kids who Cut.

Patricia McCormick – Cut

Jerusha Clark – Inside a Cutters Mind