Genocide and Generations

Today we made the rather obligatory visit to a Rwandan genocide memorial. We wanted to go. I believe it is absolutely necessary in order to provide context and the backdrop to realities of life in Rwanda today.

It was a Polish lawyer who first coined the word genocide in 1943 from the Greek ‘geno’ (family, tribe or race) and the Latin ‘cide’ (killing).

If you have been to Auschwitz or one of the several concentration camps in Europe you would know what to expect. What I was not prepared for was realizing how similar the pattern of genocide was between Germany and Rwanda. There is no question that in Rwanda it was not a riot gone bad but rather a highly planned an orchestrated intent to destroy a group of people by killing, causing serious bodily or mental harm, and deliberately imposing conditions where life was impossible.

In 1994, twenty percent of Rwanda’s population were murdered leaving tens of thousands of children as orphans, between 250,000 and 500,000 women raped, and many men and women maimed for life with missing limbs, eyes and fingers.

As I looked over a mass grave where 259,000 Rwandan’s are buried I was caught up in my mind with the theological doctrine that derives from the Augustinian concept of original sin. Simply stated it is a doctrine that asserts we as people are by our very nature hard wired to reject the love and rule of God in our lives. It is illustrated by a glass a wine with a few drops of poison in it. Even though it could be a glass of very good wine, the few drops poison all of it. So while not all of our nature as a human is depraved; our nature is totally affected by depravity.

There were good people, neighbors, and friends who suddenly over a very short period of time became killers and it has left behind a generation of damaged people in a nation trying to rebuild itself.

The Next Generation

Just two hours after reflecting on the Memorial I was escorted to the Kigali Institute of Science and Technology to speak to a classroom of students – mostly engineering students. It is a significant university here that was started with the determination to encourage the zeal for modern technology and science among the Rwandan youth so that they would be able to compete with students from other parts of the world.

Most students in the room would have been between one and five years of age when the genocide of 1994 took place here. Some of these young adults were raised by others – their own family dead. Everyone in the room knew of family or friends who lost their lives in 1994 under the planning of the group called Akazu.

Yet what I experienced with the students was a hope for the future of Rwanda. They desire to be educated and a part of the future in this aesthetically beautiful land. They are Rwandans and no reference is made in this country now of tribal differences. Do they still exist? I suspect so, but the people are trying to focus on the future more than the past.

I am now back on the campus of the Wellspring Academy feeling convinced of their focus on improving education. They are not only developing top-notch schools and using these as models for the government, but they are also building up the caliber and capacity of teachers who are the heart and soul of an education system. Their laser like focus is a key to their success, and evidenced by the sense of God’s favor they have here in Kigali.

Bob and I are doing a day of leader development tomorrow, pouring into the team here at the campus to encourage and equip. Wellspring was birthed right in our neighbourhood back home, so I guess we are just trying to be good neighbors.

Learning from today:

You and I are capable of doing unimaginable things given circumstances that nurture that. There were men and women who claimed to be Christians who participated in, or did nothing to prevent the bloodshed.
I think about the children – those who were massacred and those who have had to live with the consequences of what they saw during that 100 day killing spree. It inspires me to continue giving time to the work of protecting and caring for children as a board member of World Vision Canada.
There is hope, and it is just one generation away. This inspires me to continue mentoring and building into the next generation of leaders.

Rwandan Work Prayer

While in Butare we visited the National Museum of Rwandan in order to get a pre 1994 historical background view of the culture in this beautiful country. Imagine my surprise when I found this prayer in the lobby there – very appropriate for all of us as we go into our workplace. – Carson

Work Prayer

My Heavenly God,

As I enter this workplace I bring Your presence with me.

I speak Your peace, grace, mercy and perfect order into this place.

I acknowledge Your power over all that will be spoken, thought, decided and done within this place God.

I thank You for the gifts you have blessed me with.

I commit to using them responsibly in Your honor.

Give me a fresh supply of strength and knowledge to my job today.

Anoint my works, ideas and energy so that all my accomplishments may bring You glory, and my works bring faith, joy and smiles to those I come in contact with.

God, I pray that when I leave this place give me traveling mercy.

Bless my family and home.

In Jesus name, Amen

Tweeter and the Monkey Man

Bob Dylan

All day long I have been hearing Bob Dylan’s voice from the Travelling Wilburys singing, “. .

“To an undercover cop who had a sister named jan
For reasons unexplained she loved the monkey man”

Now let me try to explain.

Breakfast with Elvis

Bob and I were having breakfast at the Protea Hotel right at the entrance gate to Kruger national park. The gate itself reminds me of Jurrasic Park – because once you pass through it, you are the minority. We are in animal territory and Bob and Carson seem more like “Kibbles and Bits” once you enter the park.

Back to breakfast. So from where I am sitting I am watching one of the staff at the hotel positioned on the outside deck standing very alert yet sublte. The entire breakfast time he did not move but was holding something in his hands.

Curiosity has taught me a lot and occasionally gotten me into trouble. So I approached him and found out his name was Elvis. I also saw that what was in his hand was a homemade sling shot with 18 inches bands of red surgical tubing coming back to the leather patch for holding the round stones he had in a pouch.

“What are you doing?” I asked politely.

Elvis replied, “Watching for monkeys.” He then showed me how he fits the stones into the sling shot.

“So you are the Monkey Man here at the hotel?”

“Yes, yes . . the Monkey Man” he laughed with his beautiful white teeth showing from ear to ear. “The Monkey Man” he repeated with laughter.

“I haven’t seen any monkey’s this morning.”

“No,” Elvis said seriously, “it is because I am here. No monkeys today,”

Now Bob and I have seen these masked robbers on the property, but I still got the giggles as I thought about a hotel that has a monkey man on staff.

The leadership developer in me then started imagining the interview process for the job. I was now laughing out loud at just the prospect. Bob kept asking, “What are you laughing about?”

“The monkey man interview process.”

I was barely able to get that out without crying I was laughing so hard. My friend smiled with me, and my bizarre, warped sense of humour.

The Interview

Inside my head I picture the manager of the hotel coming out of his office with papers in his hand calling out, “Elvis?”

Elvis stands and walks towards the manager with his slingshot in his hand. Shakes hands with the manager and then enters his office.

Elvis has no papers with him and is dressed in a very casual manner as the manager asks him to sit down.

“So Mr. Elvis, you are here to apply for the Monkey Man position?”

“Yes sir,” he says shyly.

“Let me ask you a few questions, Do you like monkeys?”

“No sir.”

“Do you like eating Monkey glands?”

“Yes sir.”

“What do you think is the most effective way for our hotel to get rid of monkeys?”

“Sir I would go into the park and follow some lions and collect big bags of lion manure and spread it around the hotel.”

“Wouldn’t that smell and bother our guests?”

“Yes but it would get rid of the monkeys.”

“Would you be opposed to using a..” the manager gets up and closes the office door and looks into Elvis’ eyes, “. . a more lethal method?”

Elvis smiled, and holds up his slingshot.

“You any good with that?”

Elvis stares at him and with pride and repeats, “I never miss.”

“Even in a crowded dining room with dozens of guest in it?”

“I never miss” Elvis said more seriously.

The manager then stands up and walks towards Elvis, extends his hand saying, “You’re hired. You are hotel’s monkey man. Can you start tomorrow?”

Well I am going to sleep tonight still smiling about the Monkey Man. Hope to say goodbye to Elvis before we leave tomorrow.

What questions would you ask if you were interviewing someone for the monkey man position?

Buenos Aires: Trusting the GPS

Have you ever been to an area where your GPS warns you that you are in a BAD part of town?

Catherine our host, driver, and translator, was driving us to meet the leaders at a community work that started as a church and now works directly with families in the community through centers that they have developed.

The pastor who started the work from the church was Gerardo Kopf who now serves as the General Director of Fortalecer: Recursos Para Familias Y Comunidades. Lucio Andrés from his board of directors also agreed to meet us at one of their centers. Gerardo explained that although they started as a church, they realized the people needed more. They needed more professional help – beyond what pastors are trained to do.

As Catherine drove us to the neighborhood in Buenos Aires she announced that her GPS issued a warning that we were entering into a dangerous neighborhood.

I have seen worse actually, but it did have all the traditional signs of a bad neighborhood. Graffiti, burned out cars left out on the streets, heavy bars on all the windows in sight. This is where the church has placed it’s self.

The issues for families in this community are very challenging and there is a great deal of abusive violence. The community center itself is heavily barred because the husbands of abused wives want to get back at those who help their wives.

Fortelecer’s principles are clear:

All people are created in the image of God and are to be valued and respected.
The gospel of Jesus offers hope.
Hope that produces change is possible.

With these principles they provide resources to help families become healthy and create safety, love, equity, peace and solidarity. Wow.

I notice that whenever I ask South American leaders about ministry, they respond talking about people – fruit of their work. Most pastors here are engaged in active counter cultural activity within their community as part of their regular work week.

Volunteers power Fortalecer. I met Aldo, a psychologist, who gives one day a week to do counseling at the center. He sees eighteen people a day from 7:30am – 9:30pm. It is his volunteer service for the Lord and he is just one of forty “permanent’ volunteers. There are also over 100 additional volunteers for special programs The counselors here see 1500 people per year in this manner and in addition hold five workshops per week.

I was deeply touched by three things today. The commitment of lay people from the church to working in the community. The philosophy that if we bring people together with a common problem, they can become a community helping one another.

When we left the center, I was stuck for words. Not because of my lack of Spanish, but because of the love of their neighbors and their volunteer commitment to this calling.

Buenos Aires: A city of many cities

Buenos Aires: Now here is a complex city. It is an ocean port and the name until the 17^th century was “Port of Saint Mary of the Fair Winds.” The sailor in me likes the connotation but as I hope to share in a few blogs – there are other, not so fair winds that blow here.

Soon after arriving I realize I have been pronouncing the name of this city of 13 million incorrectly – for years. My best shot at it now is “bwā-nəs-ˈa-rēz” and my tongue stumbles over the “r” while trying to emphasize the hard “e” in Aires.

We have had a wonderful host the entire week here in Catalina (Catherine) Ogden. Catherine is a Regent College alumni who we were connected with through Jim Houston – and what a delight that has been. She has served as our remis (taxi), translator, and cultural guide. When not guiding Canadian pilgrims around her city she works for the United Nations in the heart of downtown BA.

Buenos Aires is really is a city of many cities. The first Buenos Aires is a typically poor Latin American city of shabby streets fronted by strident advertisements offering cheap phone calls, ‘branded’ clothes and electronic goods. But look above and behind, and a second city appears.

Here, the electronic billboards do not quite conceal ornate European buildings constructed in the late 19th and early 20th centuries, with their graceful Doric columns, art deco door frames and angels with vacant eyes. You know that these streets have seen much over the years and just a brief read on Argentine history and one starts to get the picture here.

The route into the city centre follows an elevated highway. As we passed along it, I looked down on the roofs of the city’s traditional neighbourhoods. From here, Buenos Aires appears both unpopulated and infinite; it looks like one place but it is many. On every street corner there are invisible borders of class and identity. As we got closer to the city, shanty towns pushed up against the freeway and even the elevated highway cannot hide them as they also have added stories and become multi level.

Our driver asked me to put my camera down and not take photos in case we get shot at. Hmmmm, okay, new safety tip. J

Cities with large gaps between rich and poor tend to have much higher crime rates. This epidemic exists horribly in Buenos Aires. Crime and poverty are identified as Buenos Aires’ largest obstacles.

It is hard to get straight facts about poverty here. The government figures are understated – this seems obvious to the naked eye. According to a paper jointly written by the Argentine Catholic University and Catholic Charities over a third of metropolitan Buenos Aires, 34.9%, live below the poverty line. That translates to 4.4 million people, more than double the official Argentine government estimate.

Downtown

Now sitting in a Starbucks downtown one can hide from the poverty and would never know, but venturing into the communities where Christian leaders are working in and throughout this metropolis and it is a whole other story.

Bob and I stayed in a lovely and seemingly safe community but as we ventured out during our interviews we got to experience the many cities of Buenos Aires.

It is easy for us to keep things hidden away – even from the poorer parts of our own cities. But people live there, real people with real needs.

I am particularly drawn to the needs of the children in these communities. Breaks my heart. One of the ministries we visited here, Fortalecer, is doing something about it – more on this next blog.

Around the World In Seventy Six Days

Into the Global South

On May 1, 2012 I am embarking on a journey around the world in the global south. I am travelling with my long time friend Bob Kuhn. Our friendship, together with David Bentall, is featured in the book The Company You Keep and those who have read this may not be surprised that two men in their fifties are even thinking about an itinerary like this.

Not for sightseeing

We have two objectives, well maybe three. The first is a desire to meet Christian leaders in the global south, listen to them and ask them to speak to us as leaders in the north. There is no question that followers of Jesus are experiencing a movement today in the southern hemisphere that those in the north long for. God is far from dead in the global south.

Pastors, ministry leaders and Christians serving with government or in the marketplace will be interviewed and we will tell their stories. We will find them in the center of some of the world’s largest cities and in remote villages where people struggle to live daily due to the effects of complexity of poverty. As well as writing a new book about our adventure I will be sending short video reports to MyVu that will be featured by Crossroads Communication across Canada and available online. The congregation at First Baptist Vancouver will be following me around the globe through video messages I will be sending back for each of the Sundays I am away.

Our second objective is related to Bob. He was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease over six years ago.serving as an ambassador for World Parkinson Congress 2013 to be held in Montréal. This world-renowned event drawing 3 – 4000 of the best researchers, clinicians and leadership in the Parkinson’s community from around the world. We will be meeting with leaders of this specific community, inviting them to come to Canada to participate in WPC 2013. Bob is a blogger and will be sharing our journey on Positively Parkinson’s along the way.

The third objective is to deepen our friendship together and have fun being surprised by the works of God through the people we meet.

Not for the faint of heart: Our itinerary

What would you ask?

If I could take you with me, what questions would you ask of leaders in the global south?

What would you like me to find out on this journalistic journey?

A Mars Venus Moment

I am exhausted. Not physically tired, but because my nice quiet Saturday morning has been disrupted by a very tedious conversation beside me.

Brenda is away on a course so I decide to have a quiet morning starting with breakfast out at our neighborhood spot. It started well until a voice stood out in the crowd. You know the type of voice that is not speaking loudly but just stands out because it is unique in tone and frequency? It was that kind of voice.

It was a young school teacher who was out with a woman that he seemed to be trying to impress, however this is where it went sideways.

They were one table away from my nice ‘quiet’ corner location. I wasn’t meaning to listen. I had reading with me I wanted to do but I just couldn’t stop myself. It was like there was no one else in the cafe.

For forty-five minutes the teacher talked, almost without a breath, detailing every action of his last week at work. Where he was, what he did, who he talked to, what he said, what they said – even I was bored! His gal just sat there, back straight with her hands in her lap expressionless. The shape of her mouth gives the impression of a slight smile constantly. I think he misreads this as her being interested.

I felt like just bursting in, sliding into the chair beside him for an impromptu mentoring moment. Here is what I would like to share with him:

1. Don’t try to dominate by talking all the time. It is probably your own insecurity that makes you do this. Do you feel you have to monopolize conversations droning on and on about topics that bore women to tears?

2. Do you really think she is interested? Just because a woman listens to you and acts interested in what you’re saying doesn’t necessarily mean she is. If you would pause long enough to notice the social cues, like her looking at her watch every five minutes, and her glancing up desperately to see if she knows anyone – anyone at all – entering the cafe – you might have given her an opportunity to say something and you could actually learn about her.

3. Stop worrying about what you’re going to say next. Instead, focus all your attention and energy on listening to what she wants to say to you. This does take a little effort but it’s not very hard to do. It is not something that you (as a man) do “naturally”. You simply have to concentrate and you can learn to do this.

Okay, I can’t take this any longer, I have to leave. She has now been listening to you for an hour (yes, I am typing this right beside them). Oh no! It just got worse, now he is talking to her about his involvement at his church. Lord help us!

My restaurant experience today is repeated day after day in ministry and organizational offices I visit. With women in leadership roles I observe similar behavior in the board room. Men dominating conversation and discussion. Women waiting for an appropriate opportunity to say something and to actually add to the deliberations. Women leaders report to me that they do not feel listened to, that when they speak in meetings their comments and suggestions are ignored or belittled—and that the same comments or suggestions from men have more.

We want women to talk like us – “Martian”. Recently my assistant, Wendy, said to me, “you want me to speak like a man” referring to my asking her to send me “bullet point” updates. It made me smile but she was right. John Gray in “Men are from Mars Women are from Venus” closes his book “remember men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Even if you don’t remember anything else from this book, remembering that we are supposed to be different will help you to be more loving.”

In another book, the Bible, it reads “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them” (Genesis 1:27).

In these very early verses in Genesis it is interesting to note that God called both male and female, “Adam” (meaning “man”) the day they were created. Adam and Eve were created with differences, but together they made a full “man,” – a complete picture of God Himself. The differences between men and women were not to be a source of discord or inequality, but a beautiful compliment to each other. So let’s at least learn how to have a conversation.

Brenda is home now. I can hardly wait to go listen about her day.

Doppelgängers and Recognition

Doppelgängers

The TV sitcom “How I Met Your Mother” has popularized the use of the word “Doppelgänger” as a term to describe finding a ‘double,’ an erie but awesome look alike. It is a word that causes you to use both lips and tongue to say it aloud and makes you want to smile just saying it. The TV sitcom uses it to describe finding a look alike of their friends such as Vancouver actress Cobie Smulders who plays television reporter Robin Scherbatsky, also a Canadian. Take for example Cobie Smulder (Robin), Kirstie – my son’s girlfriend, and Meghan Fox. Given the right hairstyle and pose – very similar.

In my travels I frequently come across strangers who look like someone I know. Over the years have used these occurences as a prompt to pray for my friends. Now I have name for it. I have recently expanded my travel game to include taking a photo of the doppelgänger and then sending it to my friend with the location of where I am at the time and a note to say that I paused to pray for them.

IMG00401-20110331-1015 — Doppleganger David

Recently I noticed a fellow in the balcony of a church in New York that looked like my friend David – and I paused to pray for him.

In an airport I saw a fellow that reminded me of my friend Eli Hernadez so I also offered up a prayer for him. (Interestingly I received a Blackberry message from him just minutes later.)

This little reminder to pray has increased my intercession for others – and it is fun. Try it.

**********

Recognition

I knocked on the door then opened it announcing my arrival with “Hello” with the ‘..lo’ drawn out and sounding musical.

“Gampa.Gampa” came squeals of delight accompanied by the sound of feet running towards me. My two ‘walking’ grandsons, Landon (3) and Liam (1) rushed towards me. Landon imitating the moves of a hockey player with his socks sliding on the wood floor and Liam walking carefully – trying not to smile so broadly that his soother would fall out – with his arms upheld . This is the universal sign language for ‘pick me up and hug me Grandpa’.

Simply the sound of my voice was enough recognition for us to embrace in this little love-fest at the door.

Don’t we love being recognized by those who love us?

**********

Recognized By Your Love

“By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” —John 13:35

This was the test Jesus said would distinguish his followers. We would be recognized by our love for one another. The Bible gets more specific on the ‘love’ we are to show. To present or show this ‘love’ succinctly we are instructed “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

Howard Lawrence and I had a chance to hang out together in Phoenix and I enjoyed discussing neighborhoods. He is an Arrow leader who directs the Neighbourhood Life emphasis of Forge particularly attending to what God is up to in our neighborhoods.

Who is your neighbor?

The word comes to us from an old english term, nēahgebūr – from nēah [nigh, near] + gebūr [inhabitant]. There is no way of dodging the fact that if you are a follower of Jesus you should be known by your love, and we must be engaged in loving those who live near you.

In our developing of leaders in the Arrow Leadership Program we remind them of this need for recognition by love, and add that our ‘first neighbor’ is actually your family – spouse and children, parents, siblings, nieces, nephews – and of course grandchildren.

Howard and I reflected on how the actions and expectations of ‘the church’ frequently mitigate against our doing just that. It has left me reflecting on how Arrow might encourage Christian leaders to engage their personal communities and empower those they influence to do the same. A key to this being successful is that those who engage their neighbors are spiritually formed by Christ – mature and transparent enough to handle the love.

What do you think? I’d like reading your thoughts.

Would your neighbors say that you are a doppelgänger for Jesus?

Praying This Phoenix Rises From The Ashes

Spring Break

Each year I want to remember to avoid air travel during Spring Break – but I forget. I got the reminder this morning when I was circling the parking lot like a red tailed hawk seeking a car to come out of a space like a gopher out of its hole.

The airports check in, security and boarding all confirmed – it was a school holiday. Children followed mom and dad throughout the lineups excited – wherever they were headed.

While going through security I could not find my noise cancelling headphones – my oasis of silence for flights. The instrument that I use to ensure I get lots of work done – missing. A faint memoric photo flash between synapses with an image of it sitting on my home office desk. A text message from son number three confirmed my fears “dad bose is on your office chair.” I realized I ‘d switched cases also leaving behind my backup – ear bud headphones. This was going to be a noisy flight. I was flying to Phoenix, the city that takes its name from the ancient Greek mythical firebird that rises again from it’s ashes after death.

Andrea and Ben

Beside me sat a brother and sister, Ben and Andrea. They were flying on their own for Spring Break to be with their mother in Phoenix. Ben was fifteen, Andrea just turned thirteen.

To look at them, Ben looked about two years younger than his chronological age while Andrea was trying to look five years older. Lulu-lemon athletic-wear accented by a Coach purse – she was acquainted with quality, and somebody was buying it for her. Ben was equally decked out with more electronic gadgets than I carry and it took him only seconds to get the two of them set up to watch a couple of episodes of Glee on DVD. They even had dual headphones (he writes with his head bowed in a mourning position.)

Andrea was sweet, polite, attractive and obviously not a traveling amateur. She reminded me of another Andrea I knew from our church years ago – a wonderful girl. Ben was one of the most polite young men I’ve encountered, often looking you right in the eye and saying ‘thank you.’ You can tell these two have done this travel thing before – several times. However, throughout the flight there were several behaviors that made me go ‘hmmmm.’ They seemed very close. Andrea often placed her hand on Ben’s shoulder or arm during turbulence and Ben was extremely gentle and kind to her, stepping up to the role of being her big brother.

Glee

The Glee episode ended and they ejected the DVD from the laptop.

“Who is your favorite singer on Glee?” I asked Andrea. Suddenly with bright blue eyes and full engagement she talked nonstop about her favorite songs, actors and episodes with Ben adding color commentary occasionally. I think she was thrilled to find an adult who knew anything about the show – we were new best friends. The two of them asked to be excused to use the lavatory – as I say, they were very polite.

On returning Andrea commented to Ben that she was hot so she removed her colorful logoed hoodie and rolled up the sleeves of her t-shirt. As she got settled in her seat she inadvertently exposed the lower side of her arm. It was covered with razor blade cuts – twenty to thirty on each arm in an array of patterned chaos. I looked away at first, not wanting to embarrass her. But then minutes later while typing on my laptop I asked, “How long have you been cutting?” – my eyes still looking at my screen.

The Conversation

You could tell she was looking at me, even Ben leaned forward, but was silent.

“Since I turned twelve” she said. I just kept typing.

“Why?” I quizzed.

“Well it is better than taking drugs” she responded with a confidence beyond her years.

“I suppose, but Andrea ‘why’ did you start cutting?”

“Other girls at my school do it too” the tone getting defensive. I closed the lid on my laptop making it suddenly darker in our row. Ben had turned away like he didn’t want to hear our conversation.

“Andrea, I’m a father – even a grandfather.” I backed this up by showing her photos of my sons, daughters and grandsons amidst lots of ‘Ahs.’

“I am just wanting to understand why a sharp, gifted, intelligent young woman like yourself would turn to cutting?”

“What difference does it make?” she asked, not in a defiant manner, but honestly wondering why it should matter what she does.

“I’m a mentor. That is what I do for a living, I mentor leaders – and I actually see a lot of leadership characteristics in you. So if you will allow me to put on a mentor hat for a minute, let me ask you a few questions?”

“Okay” Andrea replied just as Ben leaned forward and started listening again.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” Ben laughed softly as I asked.

“No, I just turned thirteen you know.” replied Andrea, slightly embarrassed.

“Do you ever see yourself in a relationship with a boy – having a boyfriend?”

“Of course I do … he is going to be good looking, rich, fun to be with and knows where he is going in life.”

“Wow, you have your wish list established” She smiled at my response.

“Andrea, what type of girl do you think a young man like that would be attracted to?”

“Someone good looking and fun” she quipped knowing she had those two nailed.

“Sure those are two traits most would put on their list, but let me tell you what I have observed as a father of three boys – boys that would probably fit your criteria. They talked to me a lot more about finding a girl who was authentic, secure in herself, one who is honest and a good communicator and – get ready for the next one..” I paused while smiling. “Wait for it.. My boys were also looking for a gal who found security somewhere else – someone not totally dependent a boyfriend.”

“What? I don’t understand, what kind of security? I feel secure.”

“Do you? I’m talking about the kind of security you can get perhaps from your family, or from God.”

She looked at me, still fully engaged but obviously processing what I had just said. “My family is a disaster. (She avoided my God mention) My mom left us to live with her boyfriend because she found out about my dad’s girlfriend. Then they got divorced and my brother and I have to keep going to visit her cause she moved to Phoenix. My dad has to work extra hard now to pay her and he tries to make it up to us by buying us things.”

“Not that that is bad” Ben said cradling his new iPad.

“So is that ‘why’?” I referred Andrea back to my earlier question.

“I don’t know” she replied with a long drawn out ‘knooooow’, “but tell me about your boys.”

“Well what I am trying to share is that if I were your mentor I would be wanting you to achieve your goal of finding a nice boyfriend. I’d tell you that while cutting might give you a momentary high, it has left you all marked up. This will create temporary sympathy from some young men, but my guess is that the kind of boyfriend you would ‘like’ to have would actually be attracted to you in many ways but scared away by your cutting.”

Andrea rebutted, “Well I just won’t let him see.”

“Oh so you choose to not be authentic, to not reveal who you really are. That doesn’t win a man’s heart. Sounds like relational cheating is part of your family history, you don’t want to continue that pattern do you? Stuff like that gets passed on for generations.”

“Why do you care?” Andrea asked. She was wanting an answer, not fighting me.

Jurassic Park

“I care for you because God cares for you. You see Andrea I am a follower of Jesus, and my boys and I, we actually find out security in Him.”

Andrea and Ben stared at me like they had just looked in the rear view mirror of that SUV in the movie Jurassic Park. They didn’t say anything – just stared. I wondered if I had stepped over some invisible line. In their silence I asked, “You have heard of Jesus, right?” worried at what they might say given the look on their faces.

They didn’t answer as the wheels dropped on the aircraft and we entered the steep descent of final approach. “Well listen, there are over 2.1 billion men, women, teens and children around the world that would tell you what I want you to know. Jesus loves you and does want a relationship with you. He wants you to know that you can find your security in Him – He will not let you down.” I wrote out the name and email of Lia, an Arrow leader in Phoenix, who would be a perfect person to talk to if she wanted a break from her Mom’s situation. Lia could help Andrea with the encouragement to take next steps forward. I pray this dear phoenix can be raised up from the ashes of her life through a new relationship with Jesus.

As we stood amidst the busyness of disembarking Ben looked back at me saying, “Hey, thanks” with a grateful smile. Andrea was quiet and looking cared for with that ‘how did this conversation ever happen?’ look. I was grateful I didn’t have my noise canceling headphones on.

Resources:

My friend and Arrow leader Brett Ullman shared these resources with me after reading the blog. – CP

http://www.yourstory.info – stories of students / parents who struggle with Self-injury

http://brettullman.com – a DVD called “Your Story: the wounding embrace” which is an hour talk on this subject. Not just information but what to we do if it is us who is struggling or if it is someone we live.

Books.

Marv Penner – Hope and Healing for Kids who Cut.

Patricia McCormick – Cut

Jerusha Clark – Inside a Cutters Mind