I’m often asked about our family. People comment on my sons, my relationship with my “daughters,” and how much they enjoy watching me as “Grandpa.” Many say, “The Pue family seem so close—what’s your secret?”
Before I go any further, let me say this: I truly believe we’re a great family—a clann, as we Irish like to call it. Not a perfect one, of course—we know that well, and we’re not afraid to admit it. But there’s something special about the way we come together, support one another, and carry forward the values that have shaped us. It’s a bond I cherish deeply and one that continues to inspire me every day.
As I look at other families I admire—and as I’ve watched generations grow—I’ve come to see that children don’t become healthy, whole adults by accident. They’re shaped day by day by the environment we create around them. The home is their first classroom in life and love. And though every child is wonderfully different, there are six essentials I believe each one needs to thrive: security, love, intimacy, affection, significance, and affirmation.
I approach this with a deep sense of humility, as it touches on my sons and the principles that have shaped their lives. It’s impossible to reflect on this without acknowledging their mother, Brenda, whose influence was profound. She modelled these principles so beautifully and consistently before her passing, leaving a legacy that continues to inspire us all.
At the time of writing, Jon, Kirstie, and their two children are living with us, giving us the privilege of witnessing these principles in action within their little family. I also see this same legacy reflected in the lives of Jason and Kristin, Jeremy and Shari, and their families. It’s a joy to watch how these values ripple outward, shaping the lives of all my grandchildren in unique and meaningful ways. As a mentor at heart, I feel drawn to reflect on and share some learnings from our family’s journey. I do so with deep respect and gratitude for the love and lessons that have shaped us. So, here are six principles to reflect on.
1. Security – Tells them “You are safe.“
A child’s world can feel uncertain and unpredictable. They need to know that home is a place where love doesn’t walk out the door.
How to nurture it:
- Keep your word. If you promise to show up—do it. Reliability builds trust that will echo into adulthood.
- Stay calm in conflict. When they make mistakes, respond with steadiness instead of anger. Your reaction teaches them whether love depends on behaviour or is rooted in grace.
2. Love – Let’s them know “You are wanted.“
Love is more than words; it’s attention and presence. Children feel loved not when we tell them, but when they experience it through our focus.
How to nurture it:
- Be fully present. Put down the phone, make eye contact, and listen. It says, “You matter more than my distractions.”
- Build small rituals. Bedtime chats, morning hugs, shared meals—simple rhythms that remind them daily of your affection.
3. Intimacy – Provides the promise “You can be known.“
True intimacy means being known and accepted as you are. Children need to experience that transparency is safe. When we allow ourselves as parents to be known it teaches that honesty, not perfection, is the pathway to relational connection.
How to nurture it:
- Share your story. Let them see your humanity. Tell them about times you were afraid or failed and what you learned.
- Listen before you fix. Often, children need empathy, not answers. When you sit with them in their feelings, they learn that emotions are not weaknesses but signals.
4. Affection – Let your son or daughter know, “You are cherished.”
A hug, a hand on the shoulder, a soft word—these small gestures tell a child, “You are loved and enjoyed.” I have mentored adults who have grown up in families without affection, and they are very guarded. However, children who experience affection tend to thrive!
How to nurture it:
- Show warmth often. Affection shouldn’t only follow achievement; give it freely and often.
- Use gentle tone. The way we speak can either open or close a child’s heart.
5. Significance – Let them know “They matter.”
Every child needs to know they have value and that their life contributes to something larger than themselves. When a son or daughter knows they matter, they develop a sense of purpose that can carry them through life.
How to nurture it:
- Give real responsibility. Invite them to help with meaningful tasks, not just token chores. Contribution builds belonging.
- Recognize character. Instead of only praising results, affirm traits like kindness, perseverance, and honesty.
6. Affirmation – “They have what it takes.”
Affirmation is the voice that says, “You can do this.” It shapes courage and resilience. With repetition, it builds confidence that will serve them long after they’ve left the home. For more on this, check out the Mentored Podcast Episode 04.
How to nurture it:
- Be specific. Swap “Good job” for “I saw how patient you were with your sister.” Real encouragement is rooted in observation.
- Catch them doing right. Don’t let correction dominate your communication. Children rise to the level of our belief in them.
Affirmation builds an inner voice of confidence that will serve them long after they’ve left your home.
Final Thought
Parenting is sacred work. We don’t get it perfect—but we can get it right over time. What matters most isn’t perfection; it’s presence, consistency, and grace.
When children grow up surrounded by security, love, intimacy, affection, significance, and affirmation, they carry a deep sense of wholeness into the world. They know who they are and Whose they are.
God, in His perfect fatherhood, models every one of these traits. He is our security when life shakes. His love never wavers. He knows us intimately, delights in us with affection, gives our lives significance, and speaks affirmation over us daily through His Word.
As we reflect His nature in our parenting, we give our children not only a picture of healthy humanity—but a glimpse of divine love.
So take heart, parents. The seeds you plant in love today will bear fruit for generations.
From My Chair 