Tag: mental-health

The Supervision No One Taught You

I’ve sat across from hundreds of ministry leaders over the years. Ask them about theology and they light up. Ask them about supervising a staff member and something closes.

Most were never taught how to do it. Not in seminary, not in their first pastorate, not anywhere. They learned preaching, pastoral care, perhaps a little conflict resolution. Supervision was assumed, never trained.

So they default to one of two postures. Either they avoid it entirely, hoping good people will simply flourish if left alone, or they import a corporate model that treats staff like production line workers needing quotas and reviews. Neither works in a ministry setting. Neither is faithful to what supervision actually is.

Here’s the deeper problem. Many leaders believe supervision interferes with their calling. They see it as an administrative tax on the real work, the spiritual work, the work God actually called them to. I understand the instinct. Nobody enters ministry dreaming of performance conversations. But that’s not what supervision is. That’s a caricature of it.

Supervision is Shepherding

Good supervision is a form of shepherding. It’s stewardship of the people God has entrusted to your leadership, not just the mission you share. When a leader neglects supervision, they aren’t protecting their calling. They’re abandoning part of it. The people on your team are as much your ministry as the people in your pews.

I think of supervision less as management and more as a rhythm of presence. Not surveillance. Presence. A structure that says: I see you, I’m paying attention, and I want you to flourish here, not just produce here.

Supervision Questions for Direct Reports

That’s where a simple set of questions comes in. Not a form. Not an annual review. A conversation, ideally weekly or every other week, that a leader has with each direct report. Six questions. Nothing complicated. But asked consistently, and asked well, they do more for a team’s health than any policy manual ever will.

1. Do you need any decisions from me?

Why ask it: Staff often sit on decisions because they don’t want to bother you, or because they’re unsure it’s their call to make. Left unasked, those decisions stall. Projects stall with them.

What to listen for: Hesitation before they answer. If someone pauses and says “well, actually,” that’s usually the real answer. Listen also for decisions they’ve been quietly making without authority, a sign either of a gap in your delegation or a leader ready for more of it.

2. Do you have any problems I can help you with?

Why ask it: This gives permission. Many people won’t volunteer a problem unless directly invited to name one, especially in a ministry culture where “everything’s fine, praise God” can become a defence mechanism rather than an honest report.

What to listen for: The difference between a problem and a complaint. Problems have shape and edges. Complaints tend to be vague and repeated. Also listen for what they don’t mention. Chronic silence about a particular area, a relationship, a task, a person, often signals more than an open complaint would.

3. Do you have any plans we should discuss?

Why ask it: This surfaces initiative before it becomes a surprise. You want to know what someone is building or proposing while it’s still forming, not after they’ve already committed to it publicly.

What to listen for: Ownership language. “I’m thinking about” versus “I’ve decided.” Both are fine, but they tell you where someone is in their process and how much input they actually want from you.

4. What progress have you made?

Why ask it: This keeps accountability warm rather than cold. Asked regularly and kindly, it removes the need for a dreaded quarterly review where six months of drift gets confronted all at once.

What to listen for: Specificity. Vague progress reports (“things are going well”) often mean stalled work or low clarity on what actually counts as progress. Ask a follow-up if you get a vague answer. Don’t let it pass.

5. How are you doing personally?

Why ask it: Because the person is not the role. Ministry teams are especially prone to conflating the two, expecting staff to run on mission alone while their marriage, health, or finances quietly fall apart.

What to listen for: The gap between their tone and their words. “I’m fine” said flatly is not the same as “I’m fine” said with energy. Give it room. Don’t rush past this question to get back to the task list.

6. How can I be praying for you?

Why ask it: This question does what the others can’t. It moves the relationship from supervisor and employee to soul friend and colleague. It reminds both of you that you’re not just managing output, you’re walking together.

What to listen for: What they ask for reveals what they’re carrying. Sometimes it’s the request itself. More often it’s what’s underneath it, a need for provision that sounds like a prayer for guidance, a need for peace that sounds like a prayer for patience.

Six Questions

Six questions. Twenty minutes, maybe thirty. Asked with genuine attention rather than as a checklist, they will tell you more about your team’s health than any dashboard you could build.

So are my questions for you: when did you last ask your people these things, and actually waited long enough to hear the real answer? Do you have another suggested question you would like to see added to these?

What Every Child Needs from Us

I’m often asked about our family. People comment on my sons, my relationship with my “daughters,” and how much they enjoy watching me as “Grandpa.” Many say, “The Pue family seem so close—what’s your secret?”

Before I go any further, let me say this: I truly believe we’re a great family—a clann, as we Irish like to call it. Not a perfect one, of course—we know that well, and we’re not afraid to admit it. But there’s something special about the way we come together, support one another, and carry forward the values that have shaped us. It’s a bond I cherish deeply and one that continues to inspire me every day.

As I look at other families I admire—and as I’ve watched generations grow—I’ve come to see that children don’t become healthy, whole adults by accident. They’re shaped day by day by the environment we create around them. The home is their first classroom in life and love. And though every child is wonderfully different, there are six essentials I believe each one needs to thrive: security, love, intimacy, affection, significance, and affirmation.

I approach this with a deep sense of humility, as it touches on my sons and the principles that have shaped their lives. It’s impossible to reflect on this without acknowledging their mother, Brenda, whose influence was profound. She modelled these principles so beautifully and consistently before her passing, leaving a legacy that continues to inspire us all.


At the time of writing, Jon, Kirstie, and their two children are living with us, giving us the privilege of witnessing these principles in action within their little family. I also see this same legacy reflected in the lives of Jason and Kristin, Jeremy and Shari, and their families. It’s a joy to watch how these values ripple outward, shaping the lives of all my grandchildren in unique and meaningful ways. As a mentor at heart, I feel drawn to reflect on and share some learnings from our family’s journey. I do so with deep respect and gratitude for the love and lessons that have shaped us. So, here are six principles to reflect on.

1. Security – Tells them “You are safe.“

A child’s world can feel uncertain and unpredictable. They need to know that home is a place where love doesn’t walk out the door.

How to nurture it:

  • Keep your word. If you promise to show up—do it. Reliability builds trust that will echo into adulthood.
  • Stay calm in conflict. When they make mistakes, respond with steadiness instead of anger. Your reaction teaches them whether love depends on behaviour or is rooted in grace.

2. Love – Let’s them know “You are wanted.“

Love is more than words; it’s attention and presence. Children feel loved not when we tell them, but when they experience it through our focus.

How to nurture it:

  • Be fully present. Put down the phone, make eye contact, and listen. It says, “You matter more than my distractions.”
  • Build small rituals. Bedtime chats, morning hugs, shared meals—simple rhythms that remind them daily of your affection.

3. Intimacy – Provides the promise “You can be known.“

True intimacy means being known and accepted as you are. Children need to experience that transparency is safe. When we allow ourselves as parents to be known it teaches that honesty, not perfection, is the pathway to relational connection.

How to nurture it:

  • Share your story. Let them see your humanity. Tell them about times you were afraid or failed and what you learned.
  • Listen before you fix. Often, children need empathy, not answers. When you sit with them in their feelings, they learn that emotions are not weaknesses but signals.

4. Affection – Let your son or daughter know, “You are cherished.”

A hug, a hand on the shoulder, a soft word—these small gestures tell a child, “You are loved and enjoyed.” I have mentored adults who have grown up in families without affection, and they are very guarded. However, children who experience affection tend to thrive!

How to nurture it:

  • Show warmth often. Affection shouldn’t only follow achievement; give it freely and often.
  • Use gentle tone. The way we speak can either open or close a child’s heart.

5. Significance – Let them know “They matter.”

Every child needs to know they have value and that their life contributes to something larger than themselves. When a son or daughter knows they matter, they develop a sense of purpose that can carry them through life.

How to nurture it:

  • Give real responsibility. Invite them to help with meaningful tasks, not just token chores. Contribution builds belonging.
  • Recognize character. Instead of only praising results, affirm traits like kindness, perseverance, and honesty.

6. Affirmation – “They have what it takes.”

Affirmation is the voice that says, “You can do this.” It shapes courage and resilience. With repetition, it builds confidence that will serve them long after they’ve left the home. For more on this, check out the Mentored Podcast Episode 04.

How to nurture it:

  • Be specific. Swap “Good job” for “I saw how patient you were with your sister.” Real encouragement is rooted in observation.
  • Catch them doing right. Don’t let correction dominate your communication. Children rise to the level of our belief in them.

Affirmation builds an inner voice of confidence that will serve them long after they’ve left your home.

Final Thought

Parenting is sacred work. We don’t get it perfect—but we can get it right over time. What matters most isn’t perfection; it’s presence, consistency, and grace.

When children grow up surrounded by security, love, intimacy, affection, significance, and affirmation, they carry a deep sense of wholeness into the world. They know who they are and Whose they are.

God, in His perfect fatherhood, models every one of these traits. He is our security when life shakes. His love never wavers. He knows us intimately, delights in us with affection, gives our lives significance, and speaks affirmation over us daily through His Word.

As we reflect His nature in our parenting, we give our children not only a picture of healthy humanity—but a glimpse of divine love.

So take heart, parents. The seeds you plant in love today will bear fruit for generations.